The reason for a one-on-one confrontation is to present your problems so you and your boss can find a way to mend wrongs and improve the quality of the working relationship. It is a simple concept, yet one that is difficult to execute.
Understand what you are getting into. There is a world of difference between managing your boss and having a one-on-one confrontation. Attempting to manage your boss is a relatively safe strategy, whereas going for the face-to-face duel can be likened to walking into the proverbial snake pit.
Understand that it is an all-or-nothing strategy.
Caution: Even if you are reasonably sure things will work out, you never know when the game may turn ugly. As Mardy Grothe and Peter Wylie wrote in "Problem Bosses" too many things can go awry. Once you've crossed the border into the enemy camp, there is no turning back. Without warning or provocation, things can turn against you, and you'll wish you had left well enough alone. Once you've walked into your boss's office, there's no backing off. You've walked into the war zone, and like it or not, you had better be good at defending yourself.
It's your intellect, your ability to read people, and your persuasive people skills that will make this a successful confrontation. But if this strategy backfires, you'll be staring at your walking papers.
Preliminary Planning Steps
Is Your Boss Approachable? Think Before You Act
Advice: Don't wake up one morning full of vim and vigor and decide you're going to charge into your boss's office and demand a private meeting. That's about the dumbest thing you could do. Those adrenaline surges energize you and make you feel like you're impervious to adversity. Apply the brakes. It's only a feeling. When it comes to taking this bold step, you'll need more than jet-propelled energy. Level-headed, cool, rational thinking is what's going to guide you through the situation.
The $64,000 question that you must answer before you consider this strategy is: Is your boss approachable? Needless to say, not all bosses are. Don't be naive. You're not going to change a loose cannon or a demented despot of Machiavellian proportions.
It's safe to say that you can reason with a mildly neurotic person. But you're wasting your time if you think you can make headway with a psychotic boss. Remember one of Sigmund Freud's basic conclusions: Crazy people are not logical.
''Let's Have a Heart-to-Heart"
In short, success in this kind of one-on-one encounter rests on your ability to read another human being and predict a successful outcome.
Sadistic Bosses Prey on Human Frailties: You're a masochist if you're contemplating going one-on-one with a sadistic boss who preys on human weakness. Why, just sniffing your vulnerability or frailty is enough to put him on your tail until he s captured and imprisoned you in his web. Once in these destructive clutches, you'll likely be broken, humiliated, and stripped of dignity.
Imagine working for the manipulator bosses described by Harvey Hornstein in Brutal Bosses and Their Prey. When you broach the subject of getting together to discuss the possibility of improving the relationship, they'll be all ears, anxious to know what's on your mind. Once they sense you're unhappy with the relationship and wish to change it, count on them expressing heartfelt relief at your willingness to come forward to discuss the matter. But as soon as you cite specific prob lems in the relationship, notably counterproductive management techniques and other less than favorable tactics that cre ate tension and anxiety in the ranks, you've made your own noose. The sad part is that you don't even know youVe doing it. The cagey manipulator boss will ply you with questions, such as: "How long have you been unhappy?" or "I bet others share your feelings. You'd be helping me a great deal if you told me who else feels the same way." Naively, you find your self unable to crawl out of the trap and, unwittingly, you tell him everything he wants to know-and more.
Just as you are about to leave his office feeling as if a giant weight has been removed from your shoulders, well say something like, "I am really glad you had the integrity and the guts to come forward and talk to me openly. It's employees like you that go places and help make this company a great place to build a career."
Unfortunately, you'll realize that you have been taken when it's too late. Then it's time to watch out. Now that he knows how you and others feel about him, he'll be gunning for you.
Unwittingly, you signed your own death warrant. Just when you least expect it, he is going to drop some huge bombs that will embarrass or humiliate you and stall your career. If he's cruelly vindictive, as many crazy bosses are, he may even find a way to get you fired. Manipulator bosses are good at that.
For some, it is practically a sport. It takes real creativity, albeit warped, to manipulate your way up the career ladder. Don't think there aren't CEOs who cleverly manipulated their way to the top slot in Fortune 500 companies. They've mastered a dangerous game few people understand.
Can My Boss Actually Hear What I'm Saying?
Once you get a reading on your boss's mental state, determine whether this person has the ability to listen to what you have to say and critically evaluate its merit. Not everyone in author ity is capable of doing that. Ultimately, it means taking an objective look at yourself in terms of your effect on others. If your boss gets high marks on this count, I'd start revving up the wheels for the one-on-one encounter.
Let s lay the groundwork for the dreaded meeting
Planning the meeting: Put your grievances on paper first, suggests Joe Weintraub, an expert on deviant bosses and a professor of management at Babson College, in Wellesley, Massachusetts, and advices planning out the one-on-one meeting. "The key to successful planning is knowing the personality of the person with whom you're going to be meeting," he says. "The approach you take with a boss from hell is very different than the one you'd take with a Felix Unger-type boss."
Weintraub advises thinking about what you want to say to your boss and then writing a memo--which you're not going to send--outlining everything you'd like to say. The process puts everything in perspective. Seeing your grievances on paper puts a realistic spin on the issue, which you're not likely to consider when merely contemplating the confrontation. In fact, read your memo aloud so you can get an idea of the impact it will have. Ask yourself, ''Would airing my grievances with my boss be a career-limiting move? Simply, what impact would it have on my future?"
''If you're looking at the encounter honestly and objective ly, you see both risks and rewards," says Weintraub. The risks ought to be obvious. If you blurt out the wrong words, you look like a fool. If you inadvertently insult your boss, you'll be collecting unemployment insurance within weeks. The rewards are enlightenment and the exchange of critical information which lead to a healthier and more productive relationship between you and your boss.
Advice: Make sure your grievances are work-related and can be substantiated. Don't assume that your boss is conscious of wrongdoing. Be prepared to cite specific projects and actual events where your boss treated you cruelly or unfairly Stay clear of personal issues that have no bearing on your job. Don't try to change your boss's habits. That's not why you're there. Instead, stick to relationship issues that negatively affect the way you and your boss work together.
Before outlining tips and procedures for conducting a smooth encounter, here is what to avoid.
SAMPLE MEETING
The following worker, Sam, figured he'd try the one-on-one encounter. With little preparation, he impulsively decided to go for it. Here's what happened when he walked into his boss's office to put his cards on the table.
Sam: Sally, if you don't mind, I'd like to have a few words with you. I hope this is a good time.
Sally: Well, actually, it's not the best time because I am kind of rushed. I have an important luncheon meeting with a prospective client in about 30 minutes and I am preparing my thoughts. So let's make it fast. It seems like you have something to get off your chest.
Sam: You're right, Sally. I've got a big problem. To be perfectly honest, the problem is you. I don't know whether you are aware of it, Sally, but you're impossible to work with. If you think Tm speaking out of turn, just ask anyone else in the department.
Everyone will agree with me. The only difference between me and the others is that I had the guts to come in and speak my mind. Am 1 making sense?
Sally: You're making perfectly good sense, Sam. Tell me more. Sam: I hope you don't mind me being totally honest. Sally: Not at all. You're off to a good start. So why don't you put all your cards on the table, Sam?
Sam: You're probably not aware of it, but the biggest issue I have with you is your overbearing, combative management style. Sadly, there is only one way of doing things around here-it's your way. Maybe you don't realize it, but there are plenty of talented people in this company. You wouldn't know that because you don't give people a chance to express their opinions. There are engineers and technical people who have been here for 15 years. Over that kind of time period, you learn a lot. I'm not saying you don't know your stuff, but you've only been here for 4 years. I doubt if you know how capable these people are. Take last week's meeting. I got up to talk about a proposed ventilation system for the new office building project. Before I could explain the premise of my idea, you cut me off and said it wouldn't work. When Ted chimed in to support what I was saying, you shut him up, too. That's no way to work with people. I'm not saying you're not a good engineer. I know you went to MIT and graduated at the top of your class, but there are people here who came from less well-known schools who are just as capable.
I'm telling you all this so you can think about stepping back and giving other people a chance. You're not the only person who is building a career. We're all trying to get ahead. I know you're in a rush. But maybe we can get together next week and talk some more about improving our working relationship, Maybe I'll bring some of the other people, too. A little discussion is all it takes to make things better. How does that sound?
Sally: This conversation was a real eye-opener for me. I want to thank you for telling me how things really are. Yes, indeed. You can count on us talking about this in greater detail.
THE PSYCHOLOGY OF CONFRONTATION
What do you think of the way Sam handled his one-on-one chat with his boss? Do you think he made his point and was successful? Do you think his boss was appreciative? Will anything positive come of it?
Unfortunately, Sam blew it. It will be a miracle if he keeps his job. In this brief conversation, he managed to break all the cardinal rules of productive confrontation. To appreciate the depth of his mistakes, let s first ponder some facts of human confrontation. Bob Abramms, a psychologist who heads the management consulting firm ODT, Inc., in Amherst, Massachusetts, says, "A basic principle of human behavior is people rarely change under duress." It can be likened to walking up to someone and taking a swing at them. Naturally, the other person is going to defend himself by hitting back. In the case of a verbal assault, Abramms says, "The human psyche kicks in with denial, rejection, closure, and a battery of defense mechanisms-psychological dynamics which make it impossible to change under assault."
I didn't include Sally's rebuttal in the foregoing fictional conversation, but you can sense her displeasure with Sam s candid comments. You're right in assuming that she will retaliate using all the power she can muster. Sam will wish he never crossed her threshold to speak his mind.
Advice: The worst thing you can do in a one-on-one confrontation is put your boss on the defensive. The most productive strategy is to begin the conversation by putting the onus on yourself, not your boss.
Sam never considered that basic tenet of human psychology. Look at his confrontational opening remarks; "I've got a big problem. To be perfectly honest, the problem is you." In 10 seconds, he managed to alienate his boss. After that, it only gets worse. Don't know whether you are aware of it, Sally, but you're impossible to work with. If you think Tm speaking out of turn, ask anyone else in the department."
Not only does he hit his boss on the head with a verbal sledgehammer, but he also has the audacity to say that everyone else feels the same way he does. Hes implying there is strength in numbers and that Sally doesn't stand a chance. He thinks he can actually get away with ganging up on his boss.
The situation continues to deteriorate. Sam goes on to tell his boss exactly what he thinks of her, calling her *'overbearing" and ''combative." He doesn't stop there. He pulls out all the stops by telling her that she's a control freak who must have her way, that other engineers on staff are just as competent, and that she ought to back off and let them have their say. She might learn something.
Sam's insensitive tirade only sounds exaggerated. As in credible as it may seem, thoughtless bursts of honesty like this happen every day.
WHOEVER SAID HONESTY IS THE BEST POLICY?
When it comes to the art of human interaction, forget all the homespun homilies you were taught as a kid. This is one instance where honesty is not the best policy. Heed Weintraub's advice, "If you practice total honesty in any organization, the next seminar you'll be going to is the resume-writing workshop."
Only in the movies do bosses say lines like, '*Hey, John, thanks for sharing your thoughts about your opinion of me." According to Weintraub, bosses are not that open-minded. ''Let's Have a Heart-to-Heart" and understanding." "They're more likely to say, 'Good luck on your next job and don't let the door hit you on your way.
Remember: While freedom of speech is a basic human right granted by the U.S. Constitution, it doesn't exist in the workplace. If you don't believe me, speak to the minions of people who work for crazy bosses. Adds Weintraub, "You're a fool if you're totally honest and say what you think."
However, there is one instance when you can tell your boss exactly what you think of him or her: when you have another job.
Some Guidelines
Now that we've outlined some of the snafus of confronting your boss, here are some helpful guidelines so you don't trip yourself.
- Keep your emotional level low. Don't attempt a confrontation when feeling stressed. Naturally, you're going to be nervous, but avoid coming across as jittery, tense, or high-strung.
- Don't come on too strong. Pace yourself by starting off slowly. Rather than jumping right into the business at hand, establish a comfortable rapport by making small talk.
- Present problems diplomatically and carefully, all the while enlisting your bosses help. If you want your boss to change, put yourself in his or her hands. Abamms advises saying something like, "The way we are working together isn't meshing. What can I do to change?"
- Be descriptive in defining the problem you are having.
Sample Confrontation
Weintraub offers this fictional exchange between a worker and his boss, whom well call Sidney:
Sidney, I'd like to tell you about a problem I'm having. I need your help. Yesterday, you asked me to come to the staff meeting with two ideas for improving the engineering project. When I started speaking, you cut me off three times. I was just wondering what was going on. I was trying to explain a new marketing strategy I developed. It made me feel like I wasn't very important. I need your help in trying to understand what happened. What did I do that was wrong?
Step Back and Hear What Your Boss Has to Say
Once you diplomatically state the problem, allow your boss to present his side of the story. This is a critical juncture, says Weintraub: "Once you've tersely outlined the problem, toss the ball back in his corner and see what he has to say."
More likely than not, your boss might express total ignorance over his behavior. Since you were so forthright and diplomatic, he may offer no defense and come back with, "I had no idea I did that. I'm sorry you felt that way. It wasn't my intention." Or he may make an excuse. "I've been a little edgy as of late. The top brass is leaning on me to increase our sales quotas and I guess I've been dumping on everyone around me." After your boss expresses an initial reaction, he might say, "What do you suggest I do about it?"
That's the opening you've not been waiting for. You might say, "Well, Sidney, if you were to ream us individually, I'd like permission to call you on it. I'd like to say, 'Hey, Sidney, you did it again.' But as you can gather from the way I'm approaching this delicate subject, I feel uncomfortable about bringing this up."
Caution: Weintraub urges extreme caution in attempting to call your boss on his bad behavior. Even congenial bosses who don't have a clue about what's happening around them may get offended at presumptuous behavior from their employees. 'This is dangerous territory/' warns Weintraub, "so don't push your luck.''
Remember: You're not on equal footing with your boss. You can't say, "If this happens again, Sidney, it's your job." It sounds wonderful, but the reality is you can't fire your boss. But you can describe how his actions impact you and your performance.
Advice: The goal is to get your boss to think about his or her bad behavior. Only discuss your actions in terms of yourself. Do not discuss how they affect other people. Only champion your own cause. State your case diplomatically and tactfully, advises Weintraub: ''Use phrases like 'Here is what I am experiencing.' Or 'Here is how I felt when that was happening.' Then be silent and let the boss respond. Often, he or she is unaware of these actions."
Weintraub goes on to say that most bosses aren't jerks intentionally. "If you call them on something," he adds, "they may back off and say, 'I really didn't mean to do that.'" The moral of the story is that there is no accounting for human behavior. Just when you think you have someone figured out, your boss pulls a surprise, proving that things often aren't what they seem to be.
Weintraub and other experts advise testing the waters cautiously. If you want your boss to change, place the burden on yourself. Then sit back and watch the landscape change.
Says management consultant Abramms: "People are often inspired by other people who model the ability to change. If the onus is on the employee, it may subliminally trigger a shift in the personality dynamics of the relationship. Rather than playing an emotional tug-of-war with your boss, put yourself in his hands. You'll be pleasantly surprised by the results."
Remember, only discuss your feelings. Your boss can't refute or disagree with them. They're entirely yours, and no one can dispute them. Your feelings are ultimately your strongest tool for making headway. If you said, "I really feel meaningless in terms of the work we are doing," your boss can't say, "No, you don't feel that way." By expressing your feelings, you're disarming your boss, says Weintraub. "It puts the other person in the mode of having to do some work and reflection."
If you hit pay dirt, the boss might say, "Give me an example." Suddenly, the sky opens and you can cite real examples, which your boss, on reflection, won't be able to dispute. Be prepared and come to the meeting with comments and suggestions.
Don't Expect Your Boss to Take the First Step
You Must Initiate the Change Process: Abramms and other experts suggest that one-on-one confrontations stand their best chance of succeeding if you prove you are willing to do everything possible to make the relationship work. "Don't expect your boss to take the first step," says Abramms. By initiating the first step, you're reconfirming the power boundaries.
What does it matter that you think it is all hogwash? Your real feelings don't count here. This is about building your career, not about being sincere.
In short, tell your boss what he or she wants to hear. "Once you model a willingness to change, you are creating the foundation for a relationship," adds Abramms.
Confronting your boss is a dangerous tactic. Naturally, you're nervous and you want to do everything possible --"Let's Have a Heart-to-Heart"--to make sure things go well. As anxious as you are, don't walk in with a script. That will immediately put your boss on the defensive. However, it is okay to bring a few bullet points jotted down on a note pad which you can casually refer to in the course of conversation so you hit all the high points.
Remember: Even though you've been prepared for weeks, your performance must come across as a casual conversation, not as a rehearsed scene.
The Meeting
The time and place of the meeting are critical. Privacy must be assured. That means a comfortable place where you can speak freely. Informal places such as restaurants, bars, or coffee shops are not a good idea for obvious reasons. You risk running into colleagues or executives, which can only add to your difficulties, especially if it's no secret you're having problems with your boss. It wouldn't take much for anyone to size up the reason for the meeting.
The two best places for the meeting are a conference room or your boss's office. No one would have second thoughts about seeing you in either setting. While you may not have control over the place, better prefer the former location because it's a neutral setting. Naturally, your boss is going to feel more at home in his own office. His office is his pulpit where he wreaks havoc. If you remove him from that setting, you stand a better chance of communicating. However, all you can do is suggest the place. Your boss will pick the one he deems most comfortable.
The time of the meeting is also critical. Use common sense and pick a time of the week or month when the pace is slower and more relaxed. Don't pick a deadline day or the last day of the quarter when tension and stress are often at explosive levels. Instead, try for a neutral and calm day when it's just business as usual. Two ideal times that are not apt to draw attention to your mission are midday and after work. Early morning, before the business day officially starts, can be an unsettling time because people are arriving. Many offices tend to get busy very early.
Advice: Determine the suggested place and time prior to the meeting. Casually toss out the suggestions as if they just occurred to you. Unless your boss has strong feelings about time and place, he'll go along with your suggestions. If broached in an offhanded friendly way, there is no reason why he should object.
Remember: "Casual" and "friendly" are the operative words in getting your way. It could be as effortless as, 'Joan, I'd like to grab about 20 minutes of your time? How does 5:15 p.m. in the small conference room sound?" Chances are, she'll come back with, ''No problem. I will see you then."
Or, if she doesn't like the place for the meeting, she might say, "Let's meet in my office instead." End of story. The stage is set. Your job is to show up at the appointed hour and be brilliant.
Final Thoughts and Suggestions
The best advice is "know your customer." If your gut tells you that a heart-to-heart is a dangerous tactic, avoid it at all costs. Advice: It's naive to think that all people have the capacity to change. Many people are incapable of doing so. Even a lobotomy wouldn't help some bosses because they don't have the emotional and intellectual wherewithal to change or maybe they're simply too stupid. In either situation, you are spitting into the proverbial wind.
Even if your boss is approachable, don't expect miracles. It's unreasonable to expect complete victory or total satisfaction. Even if your boss sees your point of view and owns up to bad behavior, don't expect a complete metamorphosis after your conversation. The best you can hope for are small positive changes that improve your situation. Whatever gains are made, consider them a victory. If nothing else, you've improved and opened up the communication lines, which amount to major accomplishments in their own right. If you want to take a Utopian stance, you'll walk away from the meeting with a greater understanding of your boss.
