Woody Allen likes to tell a story about the time he got kicked out of school for cheating on an exam. It was a metaphysics class and he tried to look into his classmate's soul. You can't copy someone else's soul and call it the "right answer." But when it comes to finding a path to the Good Life, many people try. They follow a prefabricated career track others have created for them and hope it will lead to fulfillment. It rarely does. Everyone must find their own personal vision of happiness.
The road to career satisfaction isn't always easy, though. Often, the initial task of thinking for yourself to determine your true goals can involve a painful separation process.
A manufacturer's rep with a Chicago food broker had learned to hate the 45,000 miles a year he covered in his five-state Midwestern territory. After 10 years of a grueling schedule that moved him from one hotel room to another Monday through Friday, he'd had more than enough. He longed to live in his own home full time. However, his wife, a nurse, didn't seem to share the same vision. To his chagrin, she objected to any change whatsoever. She was comfortable with their income, her own freedom and their current level of risk. She didn't want him to upset the status quo.
To get past this, he needs to figure out what he really wants to do with his life (not what she wants him to do with it). Since his happiness is clearly not her first priority, he must make it his own. Once he knows what he wants, he can sell his dream to her, instead of letting her "comfort zone" become the deciding vocational force.
He'll need some time and space to try on different career roles and see what suits him best. This won't be easy. Extensive business travel and stress-filled workdays aren't conducive to the kind of introspection that a major career change requires. Nor is a disapproving wife who wishes her husband would forget the whole crazy idea.
What this man needs most is an unbiased ear to help him sort out his priorities and establish a game plan. Without professional assistance, it seems unlikely that he'll muster the strength and wherewithal to follow through on his convictions.
In a perfect world, your spouse always has your best interests at heart and you're always in total agreement about life and career goals. But in the real, imperfect world of relationships, negotiations are the name of the game. Before you go to the mat to fight for your needs and rights, though, make sure you explore (1) what you really want and (2) how it will affect the people you live with. Both interests count, albeit not always equally.
Like the manufacturer's rep, a partner in a prestigious Chicago law firm hated his job and wanted out. Sales appealed most to him, but his wife (who was also, coincidentally, a nurse) fought the idea. She feared a drop in family income and, more importantly, a loss of prestige. She loved the status she enjoyed as the wife of a high-powered lawyer, even if he hated his job.
She wasn't a bad person. She didn't want her husband to be unhappy. She just wanted to go on living the life she was living. She wanted him to want that, too.
He caved into her pressure not to change. But the hopelessness of his situation depressed him terribly. Not only did he hate his work, he resented his wife for not supporting his desire to switch. It became a lose-lose proposition that made him feel as if he was "doing time" instead of living life.
It's easy to abdicate responsibility for personal life choices. But it almost never turns out right. Rather than living on automatic pilot, ask yourself where your work fits within the context of a whole life. Is it simply a way to keep bill collectors from your door? A vehicle for a lavish lifestyle? Or, perhaps, something more spiritual? Do you want your work to be the centerpiece of your existence? Or part of a more integrated lifestyle?
When was the last time you gave any thought to these kinds of questions? If you're like most people, it was probably back in college when the "meaning of life" was a more burning issue. After that, you got too busy to figure it out. Or perhaps you decided that the meaning of life is in the way you live it day by day.
Take a Break
Time is your most precious commodity. Like it or not, you probably give a major chunk of it to work. But how large a chunk do you really want to give? It's up to you, whether you realize it or not.
The Protestant work ethic has built a nose-to-the-grindstone, shoulder-to-the-wheel mentality into our collective psyches. This notion makes it difficult to justify taking time out (or off) to think about your goals and dreams. And as the pace in our technological society accelerates, it's becoming even harder to carve out quiet time for figuring things out. Yet "inner time" is crucial to good decision making. Without it, you never really gain enough perspective and self-knowledge to set your own course.
As director of the Center for Interim Programs in Cam-bridge, Massachusetts, Neil Bull spends a fair amount of time convincing people that it's OK for them to take time off to figure out what they want to do and where they want to do it. Mostly, he works with high school graduates to design yearlong sabbaticals that will better prepare them for college. To date, he has nearly 4,000 such programs to his credit. One of his greatest challenges is dealing with the protests of parents (usually the dads) who believe their kids will be led astray if they don't immediately move on to higher education. Despite their fears, every teen he's helped so far has gone on to college. So much for "Father knows best."
Bull offers these kids "find yourself time-a year to learn about the world and themselves. The programs include opportunities for adventure and discovery as well as play, and bring the teens greater confidence and newly found direction.
It's a year that most adults also desperately need but seldom get.
Bull remembers doing verbal battle with former baseball commissioner Peter Ueberroth over the built-in values of a success-driven culture. While he didn't convince Ueberroth (who is troubled by health problems) to give up the chase, he has convinced others to come around to his way of thinking.
When he was top dog for Merrill Lynch & Company, Don Regan approached Bull with an intriguing assignment: plan sabbaticals for a pair of high-ranking, 60-something Merrill Lynchers to reward them for their 30 years of devoted service. Regan (who was later hired and fired by the Reagan administration) hoped the sabbaticals would help the veteran executives bridge the gap into retirement and help them think more creatively about their options.
When Bull was asked why people needed help planning their time off, he responded bluntly: "Most people have no imagination or training. Unless you tell them exactly what to do and how to do it, they can't find a zip code in southern Illinois.''
What Bull said next was fascinating: "Most people are terrified to take time off. The fear factor is so rampant that when they let go for even a few weeks (not to mention months), they feel like they're writing their own obituary."
The worry is that if your employer can get along without you for several months or a year, management may conclude they can do without you forever. If you're in the office 60 to 80 hours a week, you can protect your territory better.
This logic makes some sense. However, are you sure you re-ally want the territory you're so fiercely defending? Or are you just protecting it because it's yours?
If you let go and allow the company to make do in your absence, you may be surprised at what happens to you. Once out, many people express no desire to ever go back.
