Shock/denial: It's the "this can't be happening to me" phase, where maybe you don't tell your friends or family, and you feel spaced-out and numb. This usually passes quite quickly, but in the rare cases of people who continue to pretend to go to work, it can become a problem.
Anger: This usually manifests as "That boss had it in for me" or "my co-worker blamed me" or " you can't trust anyone anymore."
Bargaining/procrastination: The procrastination phase is where the laid off employee uses up vacation or unemployment benefits and puts off hunting for another situation. This may be accompanied with fantasies about how easy it will be to get a job.
Depression: When the real truth sets in that the job is gone, and a new job might be really hard to get, the person can get very depressed, sit home and do nothing. This is the preparation phase for gearing up to do the work of getting a new job.
Acceptance: When acceptance sets in, the person becomes motivated to find work, creates a plan for job hunting, and is ready to move on.
To deal with these feelings appropriately:
Find a venue to express your anger, disappointment and shock at what happened to you. A therapist, a job-search group, or some sympathetic friends would be a good place.
Then, pull yourself out of fantasyland, and make a realistic job search plan. Don't think of this as a vacation -- job search won't take as many hours per day as actual full-time work; so you can relax a bit, but if you're sitting around eating up your savings, unemployment benefits and severance, understand that something is wrong, and get some help.
Keep your spirits up. Even in a tough economy, people can find jobs, although it may take more work. Get dressed every day, network among friends and business associates, contact head hunters. You'll feel better if you're productive.
Consider getting alternative training or education, especially if you're in a field that's disappearing, or under stress. This is a great time to be "paid" for going to school.
Job loss could be more of a shock to a younger person, especially if they haven't gotten fired before. However, I think the hardest-hit population are those over 50, because there is age discrimination that makes it tougher for them to find a job, and they may not get a new salary commensurate with their old one, especially if they were promoted over a long career.
Job loss can also affect marriage:
Dramatic decreases of income can change basic patterns in a marriage, which can create a problem. A couple who may have been comfortable can now face financial shortages, or a couple who had their ways of handling money all worked out, can now be at odds with how to budget. Couples need to strategize early in the process. Ask each other, what has changed now, and what must we do differently? Don't wait until you're frustrated, or finances get difficult, or you're already at odds to face the issues. If you work together on the problem, you'll both feel better toward each other. As long as both partners agree on what needs to be done, this will ease stress and make them both feel better. Find creative ways to use the extra income. Above all, realize that when drastic changes in income occur, the marriage may need major restructuring to accommodate them.
Money talks need to be a part of every couple's weekly meetings not just for money, but also for catching up with one another. Bills, social planning, long term goals and working on your relationship are just some of the issues you'll discuss. Just sitting down once a week to talk about what happened and bringing the checkbook up to date can be a good management tool, a time to talk about long term plans such as purchasing a house or paying off college debt. Use the time not only to take stock of your finances, but of your relationship, too. Ask each other what is going well and what needs improvement.
If you do it with the right attitude, this weekly meeting will be something that you look forward to, not an ordeal that you dread. As you talk about positive solutions and setting out long term goals, many financial and other problems will be solved as they arise, and before they become difficult. If you endeavor to share the time and energy in a mutually beneficial way, it can become a social occasion. Make it a pleasant occasion go out to dinner together or wait until the children are asleep or have a late breakfast on a Saturday morning, and use the following guidelines to help you.
Guidelines for Money Discussions
- Share your different attitudes about money. Talk about how your families dealt with money, and what you liked and didn't like about their style. Share your observations about how various friends handle money, and share what you think. Then make the discussion more personal by talking about how you feel about money, spending, saving, and your future dreams.
- Discuss long term joint financial goals (i.e. a new home, baby, etc.). The previous step should lead you naturally into a further discussion of your long-term goals, and into a discussion of specific steps you need to follow to reach them. Steps should include saving and/or raising money to realize your goals, and a plan for how long you think it will take.
- Put your plan to work. Once you have the steps outlined, break the first couple steps down into small increments and choose steps for which each of you will take the responsibility in the coming week.
- Establish separate checking accounts or personal spending budgets. As part of your plans, you may want to open separate checking accounts, savings accounts for building your dreams, and agree on budgets for personal spending from your available funds. (See budgeting steps later in the chapter)
- Discuss how the plan is going on a weekly basis. Keep this discussion going every week, and keep each other informed about how your plans are going. This is a good time to discuss the bills that need to be paid, changes in income or expenses, and what you need to do to accommodate the changes.
- Keep talking. No matter how well or poorly your finances are going at any given time; keep your financial discussions going. The more frequently you discuss your finances, the less difficult the discussions will be, and the more likely that you'll make good financial choices.
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