Despite the common complaint that egotistical braggarts with inflated notions of their own potential fill the workforce, the reverse is often true. Personally, I've seen hundreds of self critical people who constantly undervalue their own abilities and sell themselves short. Because they're so hard on themselves, they need more praise and approval from others than often is forthcoming. The result, inevitably, is some kind of hostile dependency on the person (often a boss) perceived to be withholding. In fact, though, the problem is that the person is withholding praise from him or herself.
To get out of such a rut, one competent trainer realized she needed a more objective way to evaluate her own capabilities. So she'd read and reread her seminar evaluations from customers, in which she was routinely praised for her patience, good humor and informative style. Whenever she felt bad about herself, the evaluations would remind her that she truly was a good and competent person.
Another demoralized marketing manager (who was relegated to the gulags during a corporate reorganization) put her abilities in perspective by compiling a portfolio that showcased her greatest achievements. She included newspaper articles describing some of her more successful ventures, and some glowing letters of recommendation from managers and colleagues. Then, she consolidated that information into an impressive resume. Although she knew it might be a year or more before she'd actively job hunt, putting those documents together was very reparative. Whenever she felt isolated in her role, she used the material as a professional mirror that reflected her real skills and accomplishments.
Other professionals call attention to their successes through internal memos and letters. A savvy public relations professional wrote thank you notes to everyone who'd helped him accomplish his publicity goals, and sent copies of the letters to his manager. Although this strategy took time out from an already busy calendar, it made everyone who worked with him feel good about their contributions while highlighting the PR man's leadership and organizational skills. While patting others on the back, he was subtly praising himself as well a tactic you could call "enlightened self interest."
Take Criticism for What It's Worth
Just because someone says you're a bad person doesn't mean you're a jerk. It just means that someone doesn't like you. While being disliked may be painful to tolerate, it's not a reflection of your self worth. Personality conflicts make for hostile confrontations that are hurtful to everyone involved. Worse, the insults that get hurled at you tend to linger in your mind for years. A 30 year old journalist stills remembers how humiliated she felt when a manager called her "immature and childish," even though she was only 23 at the time. To this day, whenever she recalls the incident, the remark brings tears to her eyes and she lashes out in fury.
Recognize a battle of egos for what it is-unhealthy competition-and try, if possible, to recast the controversy into more neutral and professional waters. For example, a computer programmer who was told he was a snob asked for specific examples of incidents when he'd intentionally made his accuser feel inferior.
After hearing one example, the programmer realized that a gesture of distaste he'd made about an assignment had been misconstrued by his co worker as a personal insult. Once the misunderstanding was cleared up, the two felt much less resentful of each other.
Asking for specific examples of your supposedly noxious behavior can help you gain insight into the true nature of the criticism that's been leveled at you-as long as you're truly open to what the data means.
Most people don't know how to give constructive criticism or receive it. In general, the more you respect others' talents and feelings, the more likely you'll be to couch your criticism in useful language. On the other side of the table, the more confident and self aware you are, the more likely you'll be able to hear and evaluate the criticism fairly.
To become more effective at handling criticism constructively, keep the following guidelines in mind:
Don't assume the other person is right or wrong. Obtain more than one point of view to determine its accuracy. Try not to be defensive. Ask yourself: Is there any truth to what this person is saying?
Accept responsibility for fixing what needs fixing.
Even if your feelings are hurt, don't harbor a grudge against the giver. It will only poison your relationship.
View Politics as a Challenge
The worst workplace atrocities take place in the name of "office politics." Usually, the term is applied to the ugly underbelly of group life. It refers to the manipulative and mean spirited ways people backs tab or "kiss up to" each other in the effort to get ahead.
Office politics can make for rotten bedfellows: greedy, conniving, manipulative bedfellows. And if you're like many, you don't want anything to do with that nasty scene. You'd rather sit in the corner of the lunchroom alone, with your nose buried in the newspaper. Or stay in your office with the door closed, burrowed in a stack of reports and memos.
You can hide behind the mountains of paperwork on your desk, but there's nowhere to go. You're trapped. While others are gossiping at the water cooler or walking arm in arm to the local bar (deeply engrossed in conversation), you're turning into a sullen, isolated person who's always the last to learn about things you need to know.
Sure, Paul Simon wanted to believe, "I am a rock. I am an island." But did you happen to notice Art Garfunkel on backup making him look good?
