Several minutes later, another co-worker, Mick, enters Jeffrey’s cubicle with a pile of religious pamphlets. Mick, who is very devout, tries to comfort Jeffrey by telling him that God chooses the very best children to become angels, and that Jeffrey’s daughter is in a much better place.
Both Holly and Mick mean well, but neither one’s actions may be helpful to Jeffrey in his grief. To comfort a grieving person, especially one suffering from the most devastating loss of all — that of a child — can be a difficult task. While each person’s grief is unique, a few guidelines can help coworkers support their colleague.
1. DON’T RUN AWAY. Unbeknownst to Holly, Jeffrey saw her ducking into a cubicle to avoid him. Grief can be incredibly isolating; the person is suffering enough without feeling that others don’t want to be around him.
2. DO ACKNOWLEDGE THE PERSON’S LOSS. A hand clasp, a hug or an ''I’m so sorry,'' can mean the world to a grieving person. If Jeffrey breaks down, it is okay. It is normal and healthy for the griever to cry.
3. DON’T ASSUME THAT RELIGIOUS OR OTHER ''COMFORTING'' SAYINGS WILL HELP. Although Jeffrey and Mick do happen to share the same faith, Jeffrey’s belief in a benevolent higher power is being sorely tested right now. Like any parent, Jeffrey would give anything to have his daughter back with him and his family here on earth, rather than anywhere else.
4. JUST LISTEN. A grieving person often may feel the need to repeat the story of the death and go over the details; he is working through it in his mind. The best way to support him is to listen sympathetically. Nodding and murmuring are all the feedback the person may need. Second-guessing the doctors, wondering whether the parents could have done something differently, or telling stories of your own children’s near-misses are not helpful. Death often brings survivors guilt that does not need to be fed.
5. ASK THE GRIEVER WHAT HE NEEDS. Don’t be afraid to say, ''How can I support you?'' Sometimes the griever doesn’t know what he needs; that’s okay. The aggrieved may tell you, ''I need to talk about it,'' or ''I need to not talk about it for a while,'' giving you a sense of what to do. Even better, the grieving person’s manager may wish to have this conversation with his employee before his return and share the person’s wishes with the group.
6. DO BRING UP THE DECEASED’S NAME. The most painful part of grief can be others’ reluctance to mention the person who died. Grievers can tell you that hearing the deceased’s name has a positive effect, not a negative one. It is comforting to know that others remember their loved one with fondness.
7. HAVE REASONABLE EXPECTATIONS FOR WORK PERFORMANCE. Grief is not only physically and emotionally exhausting; it affects short-term and even long-term memory. The grieving employee may have a hard time concentrating and remembering details. On the other hand, don’t do all his work for him: work can provide him a welcome distraction.
8. IT AIN’T OVER AFTER SIX MONTHS. Just because Jeffrey may seem better after six months, it doesn’t mean that he’s not still deeply grieving for the loss of his daughter. Grief is a lifelong process. Do continue to ask how he and his family are doing; he will appreciate your concern and your acknowledgement of the depth of his loss.
9. DO RECOGNIZE THE ANNIVERSARY OF THE DEATH. For many years after the death of a loved one, the anniversary of the death is a particularly difficult day. A simple card or flower, or just saying, ''I’m thinking about you today,'' can be incredibly comforting to the griever. Also, be aware of any other dates, such as the deceased’s birthday or a widower’s wedding anniversary, that may trigger grief attacks.
10. HONOR THE DECEASED. Planting a tree, installing a bench, or donating to charity in the deceased’s name are wonderful, symbolic ways to show caring. These actions are tangible reminders that the deceased is loved and missed.
Comforting a grieving person can be scary, awkward, and confusing, but rest assured that these simple, kind gestures will be remembered forever by your colleague and friend.
About the Author
Betsy Bottino Arenella is the author of Isabelle’s Dream: A Story and Activity Book for a Child’s Grief Journey, as featured in Redbook magazine. For more information, visit Quality of Life Publishing Co. at www.QoLpublishing.com or call 1-877-513-0099.
