You have probably saying to yourself, ''If I have the blood-curdling temper tantrum." You may not be blame. Change has become one of those annoying buzzwords that triggers rage and hostility.
Politicians promise to "change" the world, self-help gurus swear it is the foundation for spiritual and intellectual growth, and modern employers insist they want workers who can "change" with the company and keep pace with technology.
You hear so much about change that it almost makes you become a misanthrope and move to the hills of Appalachia. With all this talk about change, you'd think the world would be a better place.
Nevertheless, there are times when it's necessary to talk seriously about change. There are two ways to embrace it.
First, you can actually work at changing yourself or, second, act like a chameleon and pretend to change. What do these strategies mean?
In the former, you actually put forth a sincere effort to change yourself. In the latter, you are an actor on a stage playing a role. The goal is simply getting through a tough situation by temporarily adopting certain behaviors.
Which strategy makes more sense? No one can give a correct answer. It's a personal call. You'll understand why when you have a better idea what both of these strategies mean. First, let's look at the notion of pre tending to change.
I'll be anything you want me to be--Okay??
This is the easiest strategy. It requires no heavy soul-searching, angst, or work. You'll be manipulating a situation to get what you want. Don't be offended by the word "manipulating."
We're all manipulative in our own ways, some more than others. Manipulation is a basic survival mechanism. Small children manipulate their parents and siblings to get what they want. They kiss ugly aunts so they give them a quarter to buy candy. They feign sickness and create incredible tall tales to stay home from school or get out of chores. I'm sure you've done some remarkable numbers on friends to turn a situation your way.
So what's repugnant about manipulating our bosses to get what we want? Don't get the wrong idea. None would endorse this strategy. It's up to you to find the best solution. Anybody would be alleviating any pent-up guilt you might have over the concept.
Advice: This is a short-term, quick-fix strategy which is ideal for dealing with off-the-wall bosses. Consider this scenario: There has been a major shakeup at your company in the form of a takeover, consolidation, or merger. A democratic, fair-minded boss was replaced with a raving tyrant who is instituting blanket changes throughout the company. It's analogous to a tornado heading right at you. What do you do? Be destroyed or protect yourself? Obviously, the latter solution is recommended. You quickly adapt and become the eager-beaver worker who welcomes the tyrannical despot with open arms. You welcome this person by transmitting positive vibes.
You make it seem like the new regime is a breath of fresh air and your boss is the Messiah. That's what a chameleon is all about.
The chameleon strategy is also recommended if you're planning on taking another job. What's the point of working on changing yourself if a better job waits in the wings? If it means sticking it out for 3 to 6 months, some creative play acting is a painless course of action.
Changing Yourself - Easier Said Than Done
The more difficult path is changing yourself. Let s find out what that entails.
On the surface, it seems that changing yourself makes the most sense. In a mature moment, you say to yourself, "Heck, my boss may be an idiot, but I'm not perfect either. I have a lot to learn. So what do I have to lose by changing? I'll probably be a better worker, maybe even a better human being, for the effort. "I will reap the benefits for the rest of my life."
It sounds great, but let's think about it. The notion of changing yourself seems like a simple enough concept, yet most of us have no idea what s involved. Self-improvement is fashionable. You'd be from another planet if you didn't think change is good. But the truth is that most of us find change intolerable. In fact, the very idea of changing ourselves is so repugnant that we reject it before we ever seriously consider it. The reason is most people don't believe they have to change. They're content with themselves. Defense mechanisms kick into place, and you categorically reject the very idea of changing. The thinking goes something like this:
"Change myself! Are you kidding? Why do I have to change? It's my boss that needs to straighten out, not me. She's the one with a serious personality disorder."
Before you give the notion of change a serious thought, make sure you actually want to do it. Despite what the self-help snake charmers say, changing yourself is not easy. It involves hard work.
If you decide to go for it, start by finding out what areas need to be changed. There are four obvious information sources for advice: Yourself, family, coworkers, and boss. Let's look at each one.
Yourself: While this is less than an objective source, it is still a good place to start. You're bound to learn something, so get a pencil and paper and list things you'd change to improve the relationship between yourself and the boss. It will be interesting whether your perception of what needs to be done jibes with everyone else's.
Family. While spouses and close relatives are not physically present at your jobs and they don't see the subtleties of your relationship with your boss, they nevertheless represent a valuable information source. Most people discuss work issues and problems with loved ones. It's practically an automatic response. Your family, especially your spouse, is a release valve for the pressures and frustrations of the job. Unfortunately, spouses often take a good deal of abuse in that area when individuals discharge pent-up anger that should have been leveled at their bosses. If you tell your boss to take a hike, you risk getting fired. Shifting that anger to your spouse risks an equally devastating fate-winding up in divorce court.
At a calm moment, ask your spouse or family members for an opinion on the subject. Find out how they see the situation. What insights and constructive criticism can they offer?
Coworkers: The most objective source is coworkers. While family members are a potentially good information source, they may be unwilling to be totally candid, especially if the blame rests mostly on your shoulders. They may not want to hurt your feelings or bruise your ego. Coworkers, however, if approached in the right spirit, can be the best source of objective information. But how do you approach them? Most of all, your willingness to hear the truth makes the difference.
Don't offhandedly corner a coworker at the water cooler and ask what changes he or she suggests. I guarantee that will produce dismal results. All you'll get are platitudes and little truth. If you want constructive insights and objective criticism, some strategy is needed.
First, decide which coworkers you want to approach. The more opinions you gather, the better. But think carefully about whom you want to approach. Ideally, you want people who will level with you rather than just tell you what you want to hear.
Second, once you have identified people who will be honest, schedule a private meeting with each one. The goal is total honesty. The only way you're going to get it is by speaking to each coworker privately. People are more likely to be candid in a one-on-one meeting. If you turn it into a group meeting, the tone will immediately lighten up.
Time and place are also important. The ideal time would be after work when there are no time constraints. Lunch hours can be tense. By the time you actually sit down to talk and get to the serious issues, you're left with barely 30 minutes. Find a quiet bar or coffee shop where you can unwind and talk.
Third, plan the meeting and have an agenda. Better go to the meeting with prepared questions and a pad for jotting down notes. It tells the person that you're very serious about getting truthful answers.
Once the stage is carefully set, be prepared for brutal honesty. You may not like what you're going to hear. No matter how smart and enlightened you think you are, no one likes listening to bad news.
The meeting may proceed as follows:
As you know, Hortense, it's no secret I'm having some serious problems with Edmund. Nothing I do is right. It's really getting me down. After all this time, I thought things would get better, but it seems they're only getting worse. I need you to be honest with me, Hortense. Do you think I'm contributing to the problem? What can I do to ease the tensions and build a productive working rela tionship?
Now sit back and wait for some surprises. You might not like an answer such as:
As I see it, Porter, there seems to be a real personality clash between you and Edmund. Your personality styles are totally different. Edmund is tentative, indecisive, and reluctant to take a stand, whereas you know exactly what you want and have no qualms about expressing an opinion. He's timid, shy, and repressed. You are totally out there exuding total confidence. You're ready to take on the world, and he's afraid of it. To sum up, he sees you as a threat.
He's so paranoid and insecure that he probably thinks you're after his job. Every time you express yourself at a meeting and challenge his ideas, he thinks you're being hostile. I know you're attacking the problem, not him, but Edmund doesn't see it that way. He thinks you're out to humiliate him in front of the whole department. That's why he won't acknowledge your observations. Even though you make perfect sense and offer excellent rebuttals, he thinks you were put on earth to make his life miserable.
As for what you can do to mend the rift--you can start by cooling it. It seems that you cannot see the forest from the trees. Put a muzzle on your opinions. You're not going to like this, Porter, but even though you totally disagree with him, keep your opinions to yourself. The only time he feels like a leader is when he is not being challenged by anyone. Why do you think we all muzzle our opinions and let him do his thing? You have the only one who doesn't do that. And you have paid a hefty price for it. As long as he runs the department, your chances of moving up are severely limited. Why do you think Eldridge got a big promotion and you didn't? That was totally ridiculous, and we all knew it. Eldridge has been with the company only 2 years; you've been here 6. But the biggest insult was Eldridge is a jackass and just as incompetent as Edmund. That's precisely why he was bumped up. Edmund likes him because he's stupider than he is. That's quite a feat. You're so wrapped up in your own little world, this probably passed you by.
The best advice I can give you, Porter, is to stay in your office and don't come out. Be seen but not heard. If you're lucky, Edmund will back off and stop harassing you.
If I were Porter, I'd be a little upset after digesting that barrage of honesty. Even though he braced himself for the worst, some of Hortense's candid remarks had to tear at his ego like cutting lashes from a bullwhip. Put yourself in Porter's shoes. How would you react if you had to absorb these brutally honest observations? Food for thought, no? --Your Boss. Yes, you can take the bull by the horns and confront the source of your angst by putting your cards on the table. But I don't recommend it, especially if you don't have another job in the wings.
Most employees seldom ask their boss such questions, according to Grothe and Wylie. The reasons are obvious. You could be opening a dangerous Pandora's box. Imagine approaching Edmund and asking him what you might do to change and what advice he offers to build a more productive working relationship. In the privacy of Edmund's office, you might hear something like:
How do I think you should change? I never thought you'd ask. If you look at yourself in a mirror, you'll see a dysfunctional klutz. If I were you, I'd find a cheap shrink who'll see you five times a week. That's how much you need help. You have got massive personality problems. You don't belong in an organization working closely with people. You're loose cannon, a misfit. You have the antithesis of a team player. In short you're not cut out for corporate life.
What do I suggest? Two words: Career change! Take my advice and hand in your resignation today. Why wait until tomorrow?
Aren't you sorry you asked?
Advice: Only approach your boss if you're ready for fireworks. You could be setting off a powder keg. I exaggerated the foregoing dialogue, but the important point is that many bosses are unapproachable. The fictitious Edmund is one of them. Later on, we'll discuss one-on-one confrontations in greater depth. Managing the meeting requires finesse, self-awareness, and strategic interpersonal skills.
Epiphany! Maybe it s not worth it
After getting the real story from your family and coworkers, you may decide that it's not worth it to change. This is not to say that you're lazy, but it might be that you'll be starting something that you wish you hadn't.
Most of us see only what we want to see in life
Unconsciously, we edit and filter information and observations that are uncomfortable to accept. Once you've digested the big picture, you might conclude that the rift between you and your boss is irreparable. Changing yourself may your job is expressing your ideas and opinions.
That's the worst-case scenario. By the same token, you may learn that the situation is not half as bad as you thought it was. The problem may be little things such as becoming more organized, spending extra time on paperwork and book keeping chores, or paying homage to your boss's harmless idiosyncrasies. These are adjustments that don't require overhauling your personality.
In the final analysis, it's your call. Whatever you decide to do, make sure you've examined all the facts. Face painful issues and deal with them. If you don't, they'll come back to haunt you. Initially, the truth may hurt, but in the end, it can be liberating. As hard as it is, opt for the high road. That's where you'll find the real action.
