By one measure, introverts make up about 30 percent of the U.S. population, and they usually don't particularly relish meeting strangers. Deep down in our psyche may be a notion that the world should come to us, seeking out our many virtues. To this population, networking is no different than other interpersonal "grip and grin" activities, such as fund-raising, greeting a political crowd, working the room at the Chamber of Commerce breakfast or selling vinyl siding to widows.
The primary reason most of us dislike asking others for help is that it seems to involve giving power away. Whoever gets enough to give some away? The answer is: We all do. Throughout history, many effective statesmen knew and practiced a very basic principle of human nature: The more power you give away, the more you have. It's when you try to take power that people have an incentive to give you a tough time.
Keeping It All In Perspective
The key to networking success and to avoiding a major case of networking negativism lies in understanding that you aren't asking for a giant favor that creates a giant debt and gives others leverage over you. On the contrary, skillful networking is low-key, low-intensity, low-stakes, low-demand and low-risk to both parties. You're subtly empowering the other party while not asking for much in return. That's an irresistible bargain for most people.
A Neat Parlor Trick for Job Seekers
Whether you are networking, asking directions or trying to get a clerk's attention, try starting a conversation with this simple phrase: "Hi. I wonder if I could have a little help." This opening will "freeze" the transaction momentarily, and the other person will listen more attentively to whatever you say next. Your approach gets this response because: one, you've been friendly and you have been direct. Add to that, you've already provided assurance that you won't ask for too much and aroused the person's curiosity as he doesn't know what you want.
At the end of every such conversation, be sure to thank the person for helping, particularly if you expect other interactions to follow.
Behind every request for a networking meeting, whether it's with friends, business contacts or some member of the great and powerful, is a simple but essential bargain. We can paraphrase it this way:
If you will give me an extremely miniscule portion of your precious time and wondrous expertise, I will guarantee you the satisfaction of having helped another human being and of having created some small measure of indebtedness on my part.
You won't actually say it that way, but this is the underlying contract of a properly handled networking request. The bargain is pretty hard for most people to resist. The trick is to deliver on your promise without overworking the contact's genuine but limited willingness to help. We'll show you how to do that later.
What Are You Asking For?
Your contacts' willingness to help you will depend in large measure on how your requests are couched. Networking requests are alarming when: They ask for too much time, for example, "Could you review my entire career reappraisal process with me?" or when they ask for too much help.
Some requests are expressed in such lofty, abstract or highfalutin language that the contact is bewildered or daunted. How does this sound to you, "I wonder if we might schedule an informational interview in which we would prioritize my career development and job search objectives and discuss various viable vocational alternatives in light of existing economic and vocational realities." Phew! So pretentious and exaggerated - your contact will feel the same.
Some interview seekers are unpleasantly pushy and their requests involve a baldfaced lie ("I'll call you Thursday at 2:00 to schedule a meeting. We'll only need 10 minutes.").
Keep your requests for help brief, conversational and low-key. Be sincere in your use of words that emphasize the informality and relative brevity of the networking encounter. Ask "if we might get together for a brief chat" or "if we could meet for a few minutes so that I might get your thoughts and opinions about some job search ideas I've been mulling over." Ask "if I might drop in on you at work for a few minutes and pick your brain." Tell someone, "I'd be grateful if I could get your advice on how to get some exposure in the Widget market." In short, keep it light!
You can trigger just as much suspicion by asking for too little time as by asking for too much, particularly among people who are experienced in networking. Many reputed job search experts say to ask for a 20-minute networking meeting. Unless your sole purpose is to fling a lot of verbiage in the contact's face and bolt out of the room without any thoughtful discussion, you can't do a decent networking meeting in 20 minutes. It takes that long just to get warmed up, recite your two-minute drill and respond to the contact's questions about your background, motives, objectives and reason for being in the job market. A request for a 20-minute meeting, therefore, is naive, insincere or a misrepresentation of how much of the contact's time you really intend to use.
If both parties are focused and experienced networkers and are determined to cut to the chase with a minimum of small talk and extraneous meandering, a reasonably effective networking meeting can be started, warmed up, played out and completed in 40 to 45 minutes; but that's really moving along. The average networking meeting lasts about an hour, and you shouldn't let it go longer unless the contact sends out explicit signals that he wants it to continue.
A 90-minute meeting is a long meeting. The possibilities are: a lot of useful information is being exchanged; both of you are really enjoying yourselves; you've gotten off on an unrelated topic; or one or the other of you is lecturing, pontificating or going into enormous detail. If a meeting runs long for good reasons, it isn't necessarily bad; but be careful to keep tabs on why it's running long. If you detect yawns, time checks, drumming fingers, doodling or other evidence of distraction, cut to the closing credits fast.
How Much Should You Be in Someone's Face?
It's axiomatic in networking that you should try to get face-to-face meetings with contacts whenever possible. Body-language experts agree that more than half of all the "message content" in an interpersonal transaction is conveyed non-verbally. Confidence, credibility and authority can be communicated without a word being spoken. An image of a face leaves a more vivid memory trace than a letter or a voice on the phone. Whenever possible, meet people in person.
How closely should you live by the "I'd kill to get a face-to-face meeting" principle? If a potential contact suggests that you two "network by phone," try to change her mind. You might say, "It would probably work best if we could sit down together, but if your schedule can't squeeze that in, so be it; I'll be grateful for your help any way I can get it."
What about Lunch?
It's tempting to use business lunches for networking, particularly if you're employed, don't have much free time to schedule meetings and have to be fairly discreet when choosing where and how you get job market exposure. You can meet a variety of people over lunch without raising suspicion if your boss happens to stop by, but you'll also gain a lot of weight and strain your budget to the breaking point.
Any networking meeting is a favor to you, so you're usually obligated to repay that favor by offering to buy lunch. Polite folks might resist, and in some cases you may get away with going Dutch. But be prepared to reach for the check. If you do a lot of networking (and you should), the costs of feeding the flock can really add up.
A sit-down lunch may be too long for a networking meeting, particularly if you're in a restaurant where the dining experience is an hour and a half. Once the networking agenda has been completed, time will start to hang heavy with a contact you hadn't known before and with whom you can't share residual gossip over dessert and coffee. Finally, bear in mind that the bodily requirements of chewing and swallowing can get in the way of graceful give-'n'-take networking. You'll talk leaving your poached salmon untouched as the contact munches self-consciously through his broccoli surprise. Eventually, he may conclude it's his turn to talk a while, at which time you must plow through your chow at warp speed in order to catch up.
If you decide to network over lunch, find eating places that serve small portions, and select food that doesn't drool on you when you eat fast. Grilled chicken breast is fairly safe and splatter-free. Look for "interesting" places to eat, meaning inexpensive.
Since the networking meeting is a favor to you, agree to meet at the contact's convenience. "Power breakfasts" are coming on strong as an extension of the number of hours in a business day. A breakfast of half a grapefruit, a toasted English muffin and black coffee at 7:00 a.m. may be your contact's idea of a good get-together. If you're not an early riser, this regimen can really fry your biorhythms. It's more common for businesspeople to go Dutch for breakfast than for lunch, but still be ready to reach for the check.
"Asking Around" in the Association
In our discussion about developing your list of potential networking contacts, we paid a lot of attention to professional associations, community groups, fraternal organizations and the like. They're fruitful fields for the serious networker, but watch out when you till those fields: land mines may be hidden in their rich soil.
Most associations and professional groups are, at their heart, designed to foster the formal and informal exchange of information; they are, in large measure, networking organizations. However, the collective good and professional interests of the entire membership are supposed to get top priority; your personal job search or career development agenda shouldn't overshadow the collective purposes and activities of the association.
Some of the most savage attacks on networking are coming quite justifiably from sincere members of organizations who are tired of seeing job seekers plunk down the membership fee, grab the membership list and then use the organization as nothing more than a private networking playground. The strength and viability of these organizations depend on the willingness of members to contribute, not just take. People who join such a group simply to further their own interests are seen as hypocritical, self-serving and manipulative. Do it, and you'll earn a bad reputation for yourself and for networking.
You need not exclude such a group from your networking efforts if you are an active member, attend its conferences and draw on its resources while participating.
