These snatches of gossip are not generally dignified by calling them "networking interactions," and you won't ask yourself who has a responsibility to make sure they maintain a sense of purpose and direction. But every time you come away from one of these chance exchanges, you'll be a little better informed, a little wiser than before. You won't sweat this lack of structure and you won't worry yourself with whether the exchange went well or poorly; you'll just file the new data away for future use.
However, the moment an informal street-corner swap of information escalates into a scheduled "networking meeting," your palms begin to sweat. Performance anxiety and fear of ridicule set in. "I'm going to be judged," you think. "I've got to be good. I've got to be on. If I blow this, I'll really humiliate myself and damage my prospects in the job market."
Your anxiety is understandable but overblown. First, if you're at all prepared and pleasant, it's pretty hard to utterly punt a networking meeting. Second, you should understand from the outset that a certain percentage of meetings are going to be lemons. On occasion, you and the contact simply will fail to connect; the meeting will be short, forced and stilted. Some contacts may display hostility, frustration at not being able to help more, stupidity, and, perhaps, some really terrible judgment. It all goes with the territory. But most of your meetings will be comfortable and at least somewhat informative, and some will be exhilarating.
The more good meetings you have, the less the occasional bomb will hit you. Remember that networking is a numbers game. Play early, play often, and let the numbers take care of themselves.
Who Drives the Meeting?
The best networking meetings are those with the least apparent structure, the least amount of posturing or subtle jockeying for leverage, the most casual and comfortable flow of ideas and the most spontaneity. Both parties go with the flow, or so it appears. A relaxed networking meeting starts with an appropriate request for help and moves into a convincing decompression. The contact has a clear idea of what he's being consulted about, and the networker is well prepared. Once the meeting is under way, that comfortable tone can be maintained if the networker constantly checks the pulse of the proceedings and has mastered some techniques for keeping the tone light and the pace brisk.
War Story: Turned Into a Pillar of Salt
Some years ago, a midlevel member of the White House staff, an affable and outgoing sort, lost his job in a move meant to save face for his superior. His "reward" for falling quietly on his sword was an assurance that some fairly awesome networking referrals would come his way and "people would be eager to help." His first meeting, scheduled at arm's length through respective secretaries, was with a former member of the Cabinet who was the wife of a powerful senator and who remained a powerful woman in her own right. She had an established reputation for eating weaklings for lunch.
The networker was ushered into an empty office by a secretary who gestured toward a comfortable-looking chair. When he sat down, most of his six-and- a-half-foot frame disappeared into the unusually soft seat cushions, and he found himself looking up at the world across the tops of his knees, now folded inches from his face. He then noted that the desk of his contact sat atop a three-inch raised platform.
The door opened and in swept a tall, energetic woman wearing a broad, intense smile. She sat down so rapidly he had no time to rise. She stretched the smile still more broadly across her powerful features, cocked her head and said nothing. So thoroughly "un-empowered" was the networker by this time that all he could do was smile mutely back at her. Fully ten interminable seconds crawled by until she finally said, in a quiet, clipped voice, "Talk to me, you son-of-a-bitch. You called this meeting." The networker has little recollection of the rest of this meeting.
Ground Rules for a Networking Meeting
First and foremost a networking meeting must have direction. The networker is responsible for setting the direction of the meeting and keeping things moving. The networker must ensure that things are well planned and organized, as most problems in networking meetings arise from confusion about the process, not the content. If things seem to be going wrong or going nowhere, the networker must take the blame and clarify the agenda before diving back into content.
It isn't unusual for a meeting to assume a direction or agenda all its own, or for a networking contact to grab the reins and gallop off in the direction he wants to go. People who are unfamiliar with networking may latch on to an idea that these meetings are primarily to provide networkers with names. That's okay with them; they stand ready to help. You arrive, sit down, and are just about to crank up your decompression and two-minute drill when the contact grabs his Rolodex from his credenza, whirls around, says, "Ready?" and then begins racing through his file, throwing out name after name, number after number.
Don't panic and don't interrupt. His agenda is not harmful or wasteful, so let him go. Grab your pencil and write down those names and phone numbers. Your role starts when he has whizzed from A to Z and looks up triumphantly, thinking that his work is nearly done. Gently take the reins back and guide this meeting to the rest of the basic networking agenda: (1) finding out why he thinks you should talk with each of the names he rattled off; (2) taking him through your two-minute drill and making sure he understands your objectives (decompression probably isn't necessary; he has already shown that he knows you're not asking him for a job); and (3) asking him questions and probing for the information you hope to get out of this meeting.
See Putting It All Together: "The Two-Minute Drill" for more information.
Don't be nonplussed if the contact shows a little surprise or impatience when he realizes that his duties as an "expert" aren't confined simply to dropping names. Your first step is to show gratitude for favors already conferred.
Heavens, Bill. What an abundance of riches. If everyone were as generous with the names of possible contacts, this job search would be done yesterday. Just so I make the best possible use of these leads, would it be OK if we go back over them quickly so that I can ask why you think they'd be useful or what sort of information I should ask from them?
Warning: Don't belabor this activity. The contact has shown you his idea of the proper pace for this meeting, and you should try to keep up that pace. Once you've jotted some shorthand notes next to each name, touch on your other agenda elements:
Bill, in addition to getting the names of people with whom I can extend my network, one of the things I'm hoping to do with these meetings is to get as much job market exposure as I can and try to make sure that the people I see come away with a clear idea of who I am. If I may, let me take just a second to give you a thumbnail sketch of my background and where I'd like to go next.
The networking meeting is an art form. Practice and repetition are required to perfect your style. Once you master it, you will be confident and comfortable in your self-presentation; no glitch, misunderstanding or difficult contact will throw you off stride. You will also be able to articulate a focused and succinct job search or career development goal. Moreover, you will have ruled out a lot of roles and directions that have no promise for you and acquired a lot of useful information that you previously did not possess. Some of it will be useless or wrong, some will be interesting, and some will give you a clear sense of direction in your job search. And above all you will have made new friendships that will long survive your job search and allow you to have a greater sense of personal control than you ever imagined.
A networking meeting isn't an interview. Unlike an interview, responsibility for the direction and pace of a networking meeting rests with the networker, not with the contact. The networker owns the meeting, sets the agenda, and takes the blame if he handles his role poorly.
