Building rapport is not an utterly hit-or-miss proposition. It has some elements of relationship building that we can discuss here without forcing you to wade through a lengthy psychological treatise. But there are some unknowable and imperceptible factors in being liked; to some extent, people simply like whom they like and help whom they want to help.
Let's look at some elements that you can master in order to promote a constructive, energized rapport on the part of your networking contacts.
The Short Version
Even if you have an innate distaste for discussions of "touchy-feely stuff" or are so confident of your natural warmth, self-presentation skills or charisma that you feel little need for supplemental instruction, it is important that you understand and memorize the briefest of its precepts: Rapport is a function of 2 Fs: Focus and Friendliness. Focus you should have down pat. If you're unable to project a clear focus right now, you will after you've had five or six networking meetings.
Friendliness, in this context, builds on the Golden Rule: You'll tend to get what you give. Be open, and your contacts will be open. Be considerate, and they'll be considerate. Be helpful and eager to please, and they'll respond in kind.
There's no requirement that you be a smooth, silver-tongued orator or a natural salesperson. Successful networking doesn't hinge on your giving a series of dazzling performances. If you get tongue-tied, lose your place or occasionally miss the point, no one dies. If you can learn to laugh at yourself and comment candidly on your awkwardness, you have nothing to fear in a networking meeting. Go forth and have some fun.
The Words and the Music
All interactions between people have two major components: (1) manifest content, the observable external behaviors and responses and (2) latent content, the unspoken and often unconscious undercurrents of a transaction. For our purposes, we will call them the words and the music. Believing you shows your credibility, while respect for you reflects your authority. You are engulfed with a feeling of affiliation that they all like you and that they feel comfortable with you.
Before we look at the traits and techniques that support these desirable impressions, let's pay homage to an ability you probably aren't even aware you have.
Playing Your Hunches
Basic "hunch theory" proclaims that, in any interpersonal transaction, you'll feel comfortable as long as the words and music are in harmony. The moment they diverge and begin to send different messages, you'll note and feel and sense that something isn't quite right. As you network, it's wise to learn to admit and take note of that feeling. It's a signal that things aren't exactly as they seem.
Have you ever had the feeling, in an otherwise pleasant conversation, that something suddenly has gone wrong? If so, then trust that it has. What about the feeling that you've lost the other person? You have. Or what about the feeling that the person suddenly has stopped buying your act? In all likelihood, that's exactly what has happened.
Your hunches are usually right. They're the product of sophisticated perceptual and evaluative faculties you don't use consciously. Overrule your magnificent natural hunch-making ability too blithely, and you'll cripple your judgment. The rational left side of your brain provides law and order, but the right side is your tuning fork, your dowser, your diviner of unseen facts and forces.
From birth, your biologically driven urge to survive has led you to develop ways of distinguishing warm, happy things from cold, dangerous things. Before you could talk or make logical deductions, your powers of observation were drawing a remarkably acute, ongoing map of your world. This process became second nature. Even after you "grew up," cultivated your rational faculties, and imposed conscious reason on everything, your amazing preconscious radar continued and still continues to work. It monitors and evaluates the myriad messages sent by the people in your surroundings.
It's easy to miscommunicate deliberately, that is, to lie with words. But because most of us can't control a large part of the music we radiate, it's harder to distort that part of the message in order to deceive or cover up. This is true of both parties in a networking meeting, whether they are sending or receiving. Knowing how your hunches work isn't as important as knowing that they exist.
Look Beyond the Words
Experts in kinetics, the science of body language and nonverbal communication suggest that, in any face-to-face meeting, more than half of the total message content is conveyed nonverbally. Two people chatting are bombarding each other with an array of intended and unintended cues that serve as potential signals about how to read the situation. Some, like a blush, are readily apparent to the observer. Others, like breathing rhythm, changes in muscle tension or pupil dilation, are more subtle and may not even be consciously perceived by the other person.
The nonverbal communication that's the basis of our "hunches" tends to be structured around "constellations" of messages, some of which we're conscious of and can control (posture, dress, and personal hygiene), some of which we can control if we concentrate on them (gestures, use of space, eye contact, rate of speaking), and some of which operate either automatically or unconsciously (blushing, pupil dilation, coloring, muscle tone, timbre of voice, sweating, basic gestural style). No single element acts alone; our style and the impressions of confidence, authority, anxiety or fear that we convey contribute to the total of our many cues and signals.
If you try to control particular elements of your nonverbal presentation, you run two risks:
- When you try to balance your attention between manifest and latent content, you're likely to look self-conscious. It's difficult to operate on two channels at once, and people who are trying to change some part of their natural style often appear detached, awkward, unfocused, or self-conscious. Psychologists have a name for this: "inappropriate affect." Your contact is more likely to call it "weird."
- Your contacts, who are themselves sophisticated receivers of nonverbal signals, may feel that they're being manipulated when you pointedly cross your arms and lean back or encroach across the midpoint of their desks. They won't enjoy being sucked into an unspoken power struggle, and the meeting will either ramble off track or become a battle of wills.
When you detect a sudden disharmony between the words and the music, don't override your intuition. Try to pinpoint the moment you became aware of that funny feeling and to recall what happened just at that moment. If there's no obvious reason for a sudden change in someone's demeanor (like when you said, "You trying to make a statement with that tie, Herb?"), you can try a quick "reality check."
Here are some examples: Marv, I may be wrong, but you seem uncomfortable with my explanation about why I left Amalgamated. Does that need some clarification? Susan, you look perplexed. Maybe I should rephrase that last point. I sense that my response may have irritated you, Herman, and I'm not sure why. I didn't intend to be cavalier. Have I touched a nerve?
If your attempt at damage control is done politely and sincerely, the other person often will tell you what signal is causing the reaction. If the meeting is threatening to jump the tracks, your candor may save the day.
