Crying is a learned response differing in men and women. For the most part, men are taught not to display their emotions. Young girls, on the other hand, are generally subjected to a different parental standard, and many learn that they often get their way if they cry. (This difference is starting to diminish. Young people in general now seem to have a healthier attitude about expressing emotions.) But for the time being, managers should be prepared for the possibility of tears from a female employee and take steps to minimize the discomfort.
In the situation just described, the male manager might consider these points. He should not inform the woman too far in advance about an upcoming appraisal discussion. Her concerned anticipation may raise her tension level to the point where tears may be the only relief. A day's notice is probably enough. Second, the discussion should not be a long one, belaboring in a pussyfooting fashion many points about needed improvement. Day-to-day interactions will take care of the details. At the annual appraisal, she should know first what the manager's overall judgments are about her work. Then he could go on to pinpoint a talent of hers to be developed or a new skill that's required. In this way, his suggestions are viewed in the light of his total evaluation, and she is not sitting there throughout the session wondering whether on the whole he is pleased or displeased. Finally, it's best not to be too gentle, too private, or too uninterrupted. A more direct approach may stir resentment rather than tears, which may be easier for both to handle. A phone call or two may take the heat off for a few moments, thus allowing her time to regain composure.
The manager should be prepared to handle the situation if she does cry. He might put a box of tissues on the table and say, "Alary, I know you don't want to cry, but this is a little hard on you. Just stay here a few minutes. I have to check on something. I'll be back in about five minutes." And then he should get up and leave the room. If when he returns her emotions are checked and he still has material to cover, he should do so. If she still shows some lack of control, he might say, "Let's get back together tomorrow." In the interim, she might be given something to do that requires physical exertion so that she can work off the feeling of strain.
Women can help themselves in this matter. Fear that she'll cry makes her boss dread giving her his reactions to her work, so it is to her advantage to find a way to forestall an outburst. Tears are due at least in part to tension. She might try to reduce it by being particularly active physically before an appraisal session. If she feels like crying during the meeting, she might say, "Joe, may I excuse myself? I'll be back in just a few minutes." If in spite of taking care of herself tears come anyway, she can say simply, "I'm sorry. This is difficult for you. Could we continue tomorrow?"
When we ask a woman why she cried at an appraisal discussion, she usually says something like this: "I tried so hard on that project, but it didn't please him." This is part of the attitudinal change needed in going from nonprofessional to professional work, for which the standard is seldom based on effort but on results.
Perhaps one of the best ways to avoid tears at appraisal time is for a woman to appraise her own work results so that the manager is placed in a position where he can select one or two points for deeper exploration or counsel. This puts the woman in charge, giving her a sense of dignity; and if she covers a subject well, the manager avoids the judgmental function on that issue and places himself in the role of counselor or concerned associate.
Voices: The feminine voice can be most pleasant; or its pitch can at times be irritating and annoying-even to other women. A woman can help herself by not calling to someone across the office, by avoiding shrieks of laughter or giggles when with a group of women in areas where others are trying to work, and by using the intercom instead of shouting to her secretary from her office. On the other hand, she should be sure that she projects her voice sufficiently in meetings for others to hear her. These are small matters; but since problems can come up in this area, a little tact and thoughtfulness will minimize or eliminate them. Proper use of the voice is a skill, and if a woman's isn't effective, she might consider taking lessons from a professional. It may be a fortunate investment in her future.
Emotionalism: The industrial world understands male anger, but it is not very tolerant of hurt feelings. "She takes things personally" and "She isn't rational on this subject" are among the comments men make about women co-workers. Men are also hurt sometimes, of course; they take things personally and become irrational. But pointing this out doesn't help the woman's situation.
Sexual Responsiveness: Men sometimes feel that women flaunt their sexuality on the job in a way that distracts them from work and that they find personally disturbing. Certainly, the last thing most men want is to deny a woman's femininity. In fact, they're very critical of the woman who tries to imitate men, who becomes overly aggressive and domineering in her efforts to advance her career. A woman can accept her femininity and still help herself by dressing appropriately for the work she docs. She should also avoid trying to win favors and advantages by applying old-fashioned feminine wiles.
There will still be times when a man will respond sexually to a woman with whom he is working or when a woman will so react to a male associate. Such responsiveness can actually help the working relationship and improve communication between the two, provided they handle the matter with maturity. But fair is fair. It's a good rule to keep one's private life out of the office and to make personal standards as clear at work as after hours. Attempts to lure a married person away from his or her spouse are violations of professionalism in working relationships. A woman's career is not helped much and is sometimes limited by her inability to keep relationships on a friendly and compatible but still clearly work-oriented basis.
Physiological Problems: A particular complaint of managers about female employees is of monthly absences because of the menstrual period. The fact that not all women take time off for this reason is ignored in the men's irritation over those who do. Responsible medical advice indicates that for most women the onset of menstruation is a time of some discomfort but one to which most become accustomed by the time they're old enough to accept a job. If a female employee is consistently absent for this reason, her manager might suggest that she get medical advice. Working women should seek and follow the advice of a competent physician. Many women find, however, that being fully occupied is likely to be the best antidote for pain or discomfort.
The menstrual period may also be accompanied by a somewhat higher tension level, which may result in stronger emotional reactions. A woman who finds this true of herself should probably avoid delicate discussions or very difficult decisions during this time that require her to be at her best, assuming that such matters can be delayed without penalty. When they cannot, she will need to take extra care and time to handle them well. Mere awareness of possible problems may help one circumvent unusually irritable responses, loss of composure, and so on. These simple precautions apply to both men and women when something throws them off balance, causing them to feel more than usual stress.
The second physiological problem that can affect women is the menopause period. Modern medicine provides so many aids for avoiding serious discomfort and states of anxiety and depression that the best advice is to seek competent gynecological assistance. The evidence seems to be, however, that the menopause period is a good time for a woman to be working. She is in contact with other people, involved in responsible work, and less likely to be self-absorbed than the woman who remains at home with a great deal of time to think about herself.
Since this is usually a difficult time for a woman psychologically, her manager should try to express support and confidence more than usual. Her ego needs bolstering. If the woman is working for an understanding man, it may be best for her to sit down with him when both are relaxed and talk to him about her problem. This is something about which neither needs to feel embarrassed. It is an area where communication can be improved so that mutually helpful decisions and actions can be taken.
The Working Mother: The working mother simply has certain commitments that take precedence over her work-the care and raising of her children. Anyone who hires a working mother must be prepared to accept her priorities and be sure the work requirements are compatible with it. Working mothers must be certain the employer understands these priorities and that the work will not suffer because of them.
