The woman analyst denied this. Her boss would not back down. He issued an ultimatum: quit seeing that executive, or out you go. Instead of obeying that order, she went to the executive for protection. He managed to pull some strings and get her transferred to another job at slightly higher pay in one of the bank's branch offices.
So she won the game, right?
Wrong. The new job is a dead end. As things look now, the bank will never let her get back to her chosen profession of market analyst--and to make matters worse, it seems unlikely that the bank will ever recommend her for similar work elsewhere, should she decide to move on. She has been sent into exile and frozen. To complete her catalogue of misfortunes, her lover ended their affair.
The executive, worried about the developing scandal and its potential effect on his career, let her know quite bluntly that he did not want to see her any more. He doesn't even return her phone calls. Another recent case involved a woman sales manager at IBM.
She had an affair not with a colleague but with a former IBM salesman who had quit and now worked for a competing company. Her superiors made plain their unhappiness over the affair. She claimed later that they threatened her with a demotion unless she abandoned the affair. She refused to do that, but she also saw that she no longer had a future with IBM. So she quit.
And then she sued IBM for invasion of privacy and sex discrimination. She asserted that her lover still regularly lunched and socialized with his former men friends at IBM. Why weren't they being punished in the same way? She felt it was unfair to single her out just because her relationship with the man had a sexual element. A sympathetic court agreed and awarded her $300,000. So she won--but not quite.
In the first place, IBM has said it will appeal, so it may be a long time before she sees the money, if she ever sees it. Moreover, it took her considerable time to find another good job. Two jobs failed to work out, and now she is in a third. It may be a while before she gets her career solidly back on the tracks. And finally, she, like the bank stock analyst, has lost the lover for whose sake she went through all this.
The moral of these two stories should be clear. Sex on the job is dangerous. Play with it and you play with a ticking bomb. Unless you are lucky, it will blow up in your face. It is especially dangerous if you are a woman. It is doubly so if you are the junior-ranking partner in an affair between two people of unequal job level, power, and status.
Changing Times
Nobody who has been in the job world during the past ten years--indeed, nobody who has read a newspaper occasionally--needs to be told that the business scene is changing fast. Some of the changes are real. Others are mostly illusions. It is essential that you see clearly which is which.
One of the real changes has been the enormous influx of women into the job world. Another has been the slow but steady expansion of opportunities for women at ever higher levels of rank, pay, power, and status. This expansion is by no means complete; women don*t yet enjoy equality with men in all industries. But it has certainly progressed to the point where men and women are coming into contact on the job more and more often, in work situations that bring them into ever greater intimacy. These changes are real. Meanwhile, there has been a lot of talk about some other changes: the seemingly increased "openness" of life at the office, the "relaxed social mores," the "vanishing sexual taboos," and so on. Don't you believe it? Talk is what it mostly is. In a large measure, the relaxed mores at the office are an illusion.
It is certainly true that social-sexual mores are less strict in the general society around us than was the case a decade or two ago. But to translate that change into the average business office is wishful thinking. You tell yourself bravely: "These are the 1980s! Everybody agrees: our private lives are our own, right? So I can have as many affairs as I wish, and the people in the office won't even raise an eyebrow." Like hell they won't.
It isn't just that business offices are stuffy, slow to adapt to social change. That is true to a degree, of course. Some bosses, some offices, and some entire companies are quite stiff-collared in their approach to life. But that isn't by any means the only factor affecting attitudes toward sex on the job, and it probably isn't even the most important factor. More important are certain pragmatic calculations. There are sound, practical reasons why most managements discourage sex in the office.
It will pay you to understand this well. Business managers are not some peculiar breed of men and women with blue noses. They have sex lives like anybody else. (According to one psychologist's poll, in fact, business executives tend to enjoy sex more than people in the entertainment industry, who make a lot more noise about it.) So you shouldn't buy the common notion that business managers discourage sex on the job because they are mean, joyless, and puritanical. The facts are quite otherwise. Your superiors are against on-the-job sex because, having been around long enough to see what it can do, and they have reached two conclusions about it: It usually ends badly for the company.
And it usually ends badly for one partner or both. In other words, the odds are it will end badly for you.
The "True Love" Phenomenon
Before we go on to analyze the problem of sex on the job and the ways to handle it, let me acknowledge that it isn't always a problem. I'm aware, too, that it isn't always easy and sometimes isn't even possible to avoid having an affair in the office, that there sometimes doesn't seem to be any reason to avoid it and that it can end well.
Whether you do or don't get involved in an office affair will be a matter for your own adult judgment. All I want is help you build a solid basis of information on which to rest that judgment.
As you are probably aware if you've worked in an office for more than a short time, powerful sexual attractions can spring up on the job--can spring up very suddenly at times, taking people by surprise. This is entirely understandable. People who work together develop a special relationship. This is particularly true when a strong team spirit exists. The office becomes a warm and cozy place. Your own success depends partly on the performance of these other people; their success depends on yours. In periods when the team is working on difficult and challenging projects, this interdependence grows starker; the general emotional voltage increases. Lifelong friendships get started in that kind of atmosphere. And so do romances.
If you and somebody of the other sex work together on a project, you can easily grow closer together than either of you expected. As the work progresses, you share disappointments and you share triumphs. Whenever something either painful or pleasant happens on the job, you feel--and it may be perfectly true-- that nobody else in the whole world understands this pain or this joy quite as well as your office colleague. This kind of feeling can get translated into sexual energy.
If and when that happens, it will be your responsibility to yourself to step back and take a cold, hard look at the situation and its implications for your future.
If that other person is roughly equal to you in terms of job status and rank, and if he or she is roughly in your own age bracket, and if both of you are unmarried, then maybe you can hope for a tranquil, happy, and trouble-free ride through the tunnel of love. Nothing is guaranteed, of course. All I say is maybe.
Some office romances end with roses, champagne, and wedding bells, followed by a lifetime of shared joys. It happens more often in paperback novels than in real life, but it does happen. It would be a shame to miss out on something like that.
You can hope for some such outcome and, if convinced you can get it, go for it. You should know, however, that the deck is stacked against you. Most office affairs end far less well. That statement includes not only affairs based on physical sexuality alone, but also those in which the two partners feel a profound caring and a sense of shared destiny--the feeling that comes in a million different shapes but is usually called "love." You might beat the odds, but you should be keenly aware of what they are. Deep or shallow, most office affairs end with somebody suffering.
Hazards
Why is an office affair different from any other affair conducted away from the job? When you understand the differences, you will understand why most business managements discourage sexual liaisons among staff members, There are three major hazards. They are:
Sexual and romantic feelings impede work. Put yourself in the position of a boss having an affair with a subordinate. The subordinate turns in a poor job performance. What does the boss do? It is extremely hard to criticize a lover--so hard that most bosses in this situation would avoid it. Others might try gentle persuasion of one kind or another, but the chances of getting any real improvement would not be good. Most likely, the boss's attempt at persuasion would end in an emotional blowup.
One way or the other, the poor performance would continue. This would be detrimental to the task group's work and the company's performance. It could damage the boss's reputation. And it might also have serious effects on the subordinate's future-a perfect no-win situation.
An affair between people of equal job rank can also get in the way of work. Two people working on a project together often need to monitor each other's performance in an informal way. If one slackens off, the other finds some easygoing way to apply the needle: "If you're sure you're quite finished with your coffee, Joe, I'd like to get out of here before midnight..." But even this gentle prodding may be difficult to bring off between lovers.
More serious criticism may be more than difficult; it may seem impossible. In a normal work situation, if one team member begins to do really slipshod work, another member may feel moved to speak fairly sharply: "Joe, this makes me look bad, as well as you. I really need more accurate figures ..." Motives of self-preservation help task groups discipline themselves in this way. When sex and romance get tangled up in a group's emotional engine, the objectivity tends to drop.
An affair can upset other staff members. This is particularly true of a boss-subordinate affair. The subordinate's peers may well suspect favoritism, for one thing. They may also suspect that the subordinate partner in the affair reports office goings-on to the boss. As a result, the subordinate partner may become an office pariah, feared, disliked, and isolated. The group's work can suffer badly amid all this unpleasantness.
Jealousy can also play a prominent role. I recall a painful situation in a large retailing company. A fast-moving senior executive started an affair with a young woman executive. As time went by she discovered that some of his power rubbed off on her, and she began to abuse it. She could occasionally use a company car set aside for him, for instance. She would offer rides to her office colleagues. She didn't do this with any intention of making them envious, but that was the effect. Moreover, she tried to boost her own authority by constantly reminding people of her special pipeline into top management thinking: "Don says ... Don told me most of the directors think..."
She aroused so much animosity that the company finally had to transfer her to a distant divisional office. The scandal provided ammunition for some of the senior executive's enemies, who had been waiting for something like this. He had recently overplayed his hand in certain power-grabbing moves, and now his enemies were able to use the love-affair scandal as one last illustration of irresponsible behavior. He was stripped of rank and power, and he finally quit.
A finished affair can haunt you long afterward. Office affairs usually are short-lived. The typical affair has an exciting and hope-filled beginning, a difficult middle, and a disastrous end. And this is probably the worst problem of all: long after it is over, an office affair can go on causing you difficulties. The difficulties in this post-affair stage can be more severe, more painful, and more intractable than anything you experienced while the affair was going on.
If you have a love affair outside the office and it breaks up, in most cases you stop seeing the other person. This allows the healing process to begin. At least it prevents the emotional residue of the affair from nagging you too harshly or too often.
When an office affair breaks up, in the usual case you must go on seeing the other person. Not only that, but you must go on interacting with your former lover if he or she is a close work colleague.
This can be inordinately painful. It is painful whether the other person is your peer, your subordinate, or your boss. Particularly if the person is your boss, you could be in serious trouble. Your boss may turn cold, distant, or simply be too embarrassed to talk to you at all. The regular, effective communication that is supposed to go on between boss and subordinate may break down completely. Your only salvation may be to seek a transfer.
Before letting yourself drift into any affair, face reality squarely. Sure, the romance and the sex may be fun now, but ask yourself what will life be like for me when it ends?
Precautions
To protect yourself against these hazards, I suggest the following defensive measures:
Be careful about the signal you send out. Many men and women unconsciously broadcast signals that other people misinterpret as sexual invitations or encouragement. If you find your boss or a peer trying to initiate a sex relationship with you, ask yourself whether you have been sending out signals that you don't mean to send.
Clothing and grooming are obvious sources of misinterpreted signals. Obviously you cannot hide the fact that you- belong to one of the two sexes. But it is possible to dress and groom yourself attractively without overemphasizing your sexual qualities. My advice to both men and women is: dress like an executive. Make yourself look clean, crisp, and businesslike.
There are less obvious signals. Touching is one of them. Some people are natural touchers: while talking, they will touch a listener's hand; walking, they will grasp a companion's arm or shoulder. This kind of gesture is entirely nonsexual. However, there are other people who are not natural touchers. To them, an innocent touch may seem to be a sexual gesture.
You can also send out unintended signals by what you say. For example, it is not a good idea to complain to office colleagues about your marriage or your off-the-job social life: "My wife and I can't seem to agree on anything... I'm having a terrible time with my boy friend. Such revelations, though spoken in a casual way, can be translated by others into meanings you do not intend: "This person is asking for companionship."
Broadcast cooling signals instead. Casually mention your spouse from time to time, in positive terms. If you are unmarried, mention a fiancée or friend of the other sex, even if you have to invent one. Carefully give the impression that you are not lonesome, starved for companionship or fun.
Don't be coerced into a relationship. Sometimes an unscrupulous boss will demand sex in return for job favors--or, in extreme cases, in return for the job itself. The victim is most often, but not always, a woman. She is particularly vulnerable in hard economic times. Her husband is laid off, perhaps. She needs her paycheck desperately. And so, choosing what she thinks is the lesser of two evils, she acquiesces to the boss's demand. "I didn't want to--I had to," she will explain tearfully later.
I've seen this unhappy scenario played out too many times. If you ever run into a boss who wants to play this game, my advice is simple and unequivocal; no matter what the cost seems to be, refuse to play.
For in the long run, you are unlikely to gain anything. You may seem to make a short-term gain: you keep a job you were afraid you might lose, or you win a raise or promotion you thought you might not get. But count on this: in the end, in one way or another, you are going to pay.
You will almost certainly pay in terms of a tense relationship with your boss after the affair ends. Indeed, you may finally be fired--the very fate you thought you were buying your way out of. On top of that, you may also pay dearly in terms of damage to other cherished relationships. If you are married and your spouse finds out, how will you explain it? Simply telling the truth as you see it--"I had to"--is not likely to settle the matter.
If your boss starts making suggestions and demands, first try to deflect them gently. If the pressure continues and there is no other way out, your only sensible defense is a flat, nonnegotiable refusal. Don't be rude or angry, but do be absolutely firm. You might lose your job or a coveted promotion--but as I've noted, you might lose them at the end of the affair anyway. On the other hand, your refusal may simply end the episode harmlessly. Your boss, bluff called, may quietly back off and never mention the subject again.
That is the only way to win in a sexual-harassment situation. If you adopt any other strategy, the game will be rigged against you.
Don't count too much on the law to help you. The law is undeniably on your side. Sex discrimination and harassment are illegal under federal law and most states' laws. If you choose to strike back against these unfair practices by suing your boss or the company, or by filing a complaint with a government agency such as the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission, you are within your rights.
Many people react by doing just that. The files of EEOC are full of cases filed by unhappy employees, mostly women, who have seized on litigation as the way out of an unpleasant situation with a boss or co-worker.
But the case of the former IBM sales manager, whose story I told earlier, illustrates that the quit-and-sue approach gains you less than you may expect. In fact, I think it would be fair to say that, except in a very few cases, the person who goes to court or seeks government-agency help ends up losing the game in the long run.
For one thing, you will probably have to give up your job if you initiate any such proceeding. If you don't quit on your own, your boss or the company may find ways to force you out. Companies do not like being sued or getting dragged into bureaucratic hearings. Moreover, the company can justifiably ask how much time and energy you will devote to your job when your attention is focused on your complaint process.
So you are out of a job. Finding another one of equal pay and status may prove extremely difficult. Not only will you have to battle the hard economic environment that faces everybody else, but you will have some added handicaps. Prospective new employers will ask the same question your old employer asked: how much time and energy will you have to spare for your work? Moreover, they will wonder about your ability to control your temper. It may be unfair, but it is bound to happen. "This seems to be a litigious kind of person," they will say. "A troublemaker--the kind who goes to court at the drop of a hat. Why should we buy that kind of trouble? Who needs it?"
The complaint process is likely to be a long-drawn-out affair. It can drag on for years. You will find yourself endlessly filing papers, attending hearings, wandering through bureaucratic mazes. And in the end nothing may happen. The case may be dismissed. Your former boss may join another company. The proceeding may be come inactive and vanish into the depths of a government file. Even if you win some money at long last, the amount is not likely to repay you for what you've lost and what you've been through.
The quit-and-sue approach is a last resort. When you have tried everything, when your situation has become intolerable and you feel that you are backed into a comer, then quitting and suing may make sense. But do be aware of everything it entails. Don't think of it as a handy remedy for casual use.
If a bad situation develops at your place of work, don't react in anger, storm out, and call a lawyer right away. For the chances are you will be able to fix the problem much more quickly, pleasantly, and effectively by cooling off and staying right where you are.
See similar article: Leave Sex, Politics, Religion, and Social Activism out of Your Job Search and Career If You Want to Work in a Large Law Firm
