The problem is that most people are not natural listeners. Without wishing to get into psychology, this is suggested because, when we are infants, in order to survive, we concern ourselves exclusively with our own needs and wants. We also have to make ourselves heard before anyone takes any notice of us, so we never really develop the ability to remain quiet and listen to the needs and wants of others. Whatever the reason, the fact is that we find it far easier to talk than to listen.
Listening is not, as some would have it, a purely passive process which requires us to do nothing more than sit and look at the speaker with a fixed expression on our faces, perhaps occasionally breaking the monotony by murmuring 'Uh-huh,' or 'Very interesting.' That is 'false' listening, something we all experience and, unfortunately, also practice at social gatherings.
'Real' listening is an active, participating, creative process that demands sensitivity and intelligence as well as plenty of practice. It is also a skill that executives and managers at all levels - indeed, anyone who is part of a team, no matter of what kind - should study and work at.
The good news is that to acquire listening skills you do not need any special equipment except two reasonably good ears, and you can practice anywhere - at interviews, at parties, in clubs, pubs, and with strangers on trains, who will not mind if you are not perfect.
Real listening
Real listening involves:
- concentration
- discipline
- empathy
- self-effacement
- silence
- preparation and planning
- objectivity
- understanding
- pacing
- patience
- creativity
In interviewing terms, concentration means putting all other thoughts and considerations out of your mind except for what passes between the two of you. Interviewees are the centre from which the information flows and anything that interrupts that flow is to be ruthlessly put aside. It means, therefore, cutting yourself off mentally and physically from the world outside the relationship you have temporarily formed with the interviewee. It means thinking consciously of what the interviewee is saying, not of other questions or comments you wish to make when they have finished speaking. It means, finally, showing all this to the interviewees through your body language, expressions and gestures.
Discipline
Thoughts, fragments of ideas, memories flit continually through our minds. Most of the time this is not a serious problem, but when interviewing it can mean that we miss something of vital importance, not necessarily a fact, just an expression on the interviewee's face that could make all the difference to knowing how a remark was meant and to how it should be interpreted. 'The foreman and I get on like a house on fire' said straight-faced means one thing, said with an ironic smile means exactly the opposite.
Empathy
Why should the ability to put ourselves in another's shoes improve our listening skills? The answer is that, if we have some insight into their feelings about being interviewed, we know that they need the best environment in which to express themselves. So, we make sure that the room is right, that the chairs are comfortable, that refreshment is provided, particularly if the interview will take some time, and that they will be able to talk to us undisturbed by telephone calls and interruptions for the whole length of the interview.
Self-effacement
Good listening is not about selling ourselves; if anything, it is the reverse - making hardly any impression except that we are there for the sake of our interviewees. The test is that if they are asked half an hour after the interview to describe us, they should find it difficult to do so unless they know us well. All they should be able to say is, 'How should I know? I was too busy talking.' If, on the other hand, they are able to say exactly what we looked like, it usually means that we were talking so much that they had plenty of time to study us.
It could also mean that they remembered the flaming pink suit, the ostentatious jewelry, the cloying perfume or the after-shave more vividly than either our questions or their replies.
Silence
Silence is not mere non-speaking, but the expectant silence of the listener who hangs onto the interviewee's every word and wants to hear more. It is accompanied by the correct body language (leaning forward, hand on chin, for instance), the correct expression (interested, engaged) and proper eye contact, not a fixed gaze at some distant point beyond the interviewee.
Preparation and planning
If you know what you want to achieve from the interview, if you have done whatever research was necessary to formulate your questions and have written them out in the order you intend to ask them, if you have planned for coping with any problems that may arise, your mind will be free of worries and you can give your attention entirely to listening to what the interviewee says.
Objectivity
Interviewees entering your office bring with them their accents, mannerisms, vocabulary and particular choice of words. Bad listeners hear an accent or note a particular mannerism and instantly form a judgment - sometimes favorable but usually unfavorable - about the interviewee. By contrast, good listeners focus on the interviewee as a whole person. They refrain from making any judgments until they have heard what the interviewee has to say, rather than how he or she says it. Only when the complete story has been told will good listeners make their minds up and then only respecting those areas that are relevant to the interview itself.
Understanding
The silences that fall between words; the hesitations; the emphasis on certain phrases; the slight stammer; the shallow breathing; the occasional cough - these are a few of the many hidden messages that add richness of detail to the information which interviewees convey in the course of their interviews.
Only good listeners have ears sensitive enough to hear them, because their minds are free of prejudice, free of random thoughts, free of outside concerns. They are able to sense how the interviewees are feeling, what fears or anxieties they are suffering and what hostilities or grudges they may bear, and they will be able to separate these from the words they use. Good listeners develop lines of questioning that relate to these messages and so get through to the truth.
For instance, a generalized complaint, such as: 'I don't really like it in this department, they're stand-offish,' may point to a more specific problem. The good listener's questions will uncover the problem and offer a possible solution.
'What do you mean, "stand-offish"?'
'Oh, you know, they make fun of me.'
'Why do you think they do that?' (Pause.) 'Well, because I'm not very good on this new word processor.'
'Would you like more training?'
'Yes.'
Pacing
Good listeners know that interviews are learning processes for both them and the interviewees. They know that only when they feel that they are seeing things as their interviewees see them will they have accomplished what they set out to do.
They want their interviews to be cost-effective, but they know that if they move too quickly, if they rush ahead with one question following rapidly after another, they will miss much and waste the time they spend. So they pace them according to how difficult the subject matter is and how deep they may have to probe to get to the substance of it. They work out in advance at what point to start, how long to spend on each topic and how to develop the questioning until they achieve their goal.
Patience
As has been mentioned before, we hear things at least four times faster than we speak. As a result, poor listeners tend to become impatient and interrupt with another question before the interviewees have completed their last reply.
Being continually interrupted is inhibiting, because interviewees think that their interviewers are not really interested in what they are saying. Good listeners keep a tight rein on their enthusiasm and let the interviewees tell their stories at their own pace.
Creativity
For the interviewees, good listening can help to release their own creative energies. Through it they can grow and mature. This is the rationale behind the so-called 'talk therapies' -psychoanalysis and psychotherapy. People who come to us with problems do not necessarily want us to solve them - in fact, they would resent it if we tried - but by listening to them we help them identify the problems and find their own solutions.
Here is an example: Jennifer comes to you for her annual appraisal. After a few questions it becomes clear that she is fed up with her job but doesn't really know why. Through your gentle probing and careful listening, she expresses her frustration at being ignored by her superior.
'What attempts have you made to seek recognition?'
'None.'
'Why not?'
'Too embarrassed.'
'Do you embarrass easily?'
'I suppose so.'
'Might that not be the problem?'
'What, you mean she thinks if she does praise me I'd be embarrassed?'
'Could be.'
'I'd never thought of that. Perhaps, then, I should tell her that I'd like her to make a bit of a fuss of me.'
'When it's appropriate, why not?'
The key to good listening is to let the words from the interviewees come through to you as they are, not as you think they are; and, if you are not satisfied that you have understood what the interviewee is actually saying, to go on patiently questioning until you are sure.
