It's common for people to adhere to the notion that their careers and personal lives are completely separate; that one has nothing to do with the other. I seriously doubt that this is possible. The two simply cannot be separated.
We all have tremendous ego identification with our careers. The way we use our talents defines the way we are judged by society and how we are seen by our peers. When we have problems with our careers it must affect our egos. And that invariably leads to personal problems.
Unfortunately, because of this ego identification, people will initially deny that there is any problem at work. After all, it's socially unacceptable to hate a job that defines one's self It somehow seems easier to blame a marriage for personal problems than it is to blame a job.
Spouses need to be particularly attentive to the danger signs of career problems. Men in particular tend to become silent and withdrawn. Their career problems might make them feel weak and vulnerable - socially unacceptable feelings for a man to have - so they will assume a posture of being unfeeling and unaffected. And I'm sure I needn't explain where lack of communication leads a marriage.
Less common, though frequently seen, is the man who becomes hyperactive, burying himself in extracurricular activities and pushing himself to the brink of exhaustion. His purpose in so doing, of course, is to avoid serious communication on career-related issues.
Conversely, women seem more likely to want to talk about what's going on and will seek out someone on whom to vent their rage and hostilities. In a good relationship, a man can encourage his wife to unload on him. But many men, I have found, can't do this.
Common to both men and women are sleep disorders. An inability to fall asleep, trouble waking up, and waking up before the alarm goes off can all be signs of career-related stress.
Perhaps I should stop here and say that there are indeed cases - a minority I believe - in which personal problems destroy careers. It's not unusual to see people who enjoy and do well in their jobs develop drug or alcohol problems that ruin their careers.
But it's also not unusual to see people with serious personal problems use their work as an escape. One man I worked with many years ago was simultaneously dealing with a divorce and a suicide in his family, yet he was able to go to work every day and carry it off beautifully. Work for him was a respite from the troubles he faced at home.
I suppose there are as many different reactions to personal problems as there are people, but the bottom line is this: Before we look to our marriages and our families as the causes of our problems, we must look to ourselves and our careers.
If someone we know is withdrawn or lashing out, we must presume that they are hurting very badly inside, and rather than withdrawing or lashing back ourselves, we owe it to them to raise serious questions about their jobs and careers. Not just once but many, many times.
The pressures that cause career problems can be monumental. But they are not eased by kicking the dog or screaming at a spouse. Understanding what's really going on is an important first step toward doing something about it.
