Mary is 53 years old and married to a man 10 years older. They officially retired 10 months ago, leaving their home of 30 years to build a dream house on eight wooded acres in California's Sierra foothills. But after the excitement of their new surroundings wore off, Mary's definition of retirement became quite different from her husband's. Whereas George had been a virtual workaholic during their 32 years of marriage, he now was quite content to sit and watch the world pass by. It took Mary days to coax him into town for a simple shopping excursion. Mary became frustrated, bored and lonely. She wanted to travel and explore new interests. Instead, she felt life was passing her by.
So Mary decided to reenter the job market. During her first counseling session with me she announced she had to "get off that mountain," and getting a job seemed to be the best way to do it. But it soon became apparent that her reentering was really a back-seat issue. More important was learning how to evaluate the different dimensions of her life, setting goals for herself and acquiring better communication tools so she could more effectively deal with the real issue at hand: what she wanted from her life and her marriage. During our time together Mary's self-esteem grew; she became quietly assertive and finally was able to communicate her needs to her husband. Eventually, they sold their new house and moved into a medium-sized community. Once Mary resolved her real problem, reentering occurred quickly.
What happened to Mary is a common phenomenon. When job-seekers of any age begin creative job search, they view the world differently. As the job-hunter becomes empowered, a shift in paradigms (the structure and meaning we superimpose on our experiences) can occur. It may happen to you.
Another reentry client helped me understand how much our personal and professional dimensions are intertwined. For 25 years Ralph had been a successful restaurateur - four delis and a family-style restaurant. Then he bought another eatery at an upstate location. As Professor Harold Hill tells the townspeople in The Music Man: "You gotta know the territory."
Ralph didn't, and the restaurant never got off the ground. Five years later he declared Chapter 11. During this time Ralph worked 50 to 60 hours a week and was rarely home. Had he been asked if he was happy with his life, he probably would have said, "Yes." But when the restaurant closed he finally had the time to assess all the dimensions of his personal reality. During the process he discovered he had nothing in common with his wife. Counseling didn't help. Neither did a trial separation. Ralph is now going through a divorce and is working on a brand-new career.
Has the process been painful for him? Very. Is he unhappy now? No. Actually, it is an exciting time for Ralph. But it wasn't always so. Initially, making job-search phone calls was hard. I could always tell when an assignment was difficult for Ralph because he'd look at me and repeat my request-hoping, I guess, I'd change my mind. He was embarrassed by his restaurant failure and, because he hadn't looked for a job in 30 years, was uncomfortable with the entire job-search process. But as he focused on what he wanted and what he could offer, his confidence grew. Together we worked through many of the exercises contained in this manual. Within a short time he secured a sales-management position with a food-brokerage company. My last report from him was that he couldn't remember when he'd had so much fun!
Visualize the process of risk-taking as a spiral in motion. Starting from a position of security (your Comfort Zone), you will gradually move toward Personal Growth-with Risk as the link between the two. Each risk taken results in more personal growth. As you become more competent and confident, you reach a new comfort zone-until the "what if's" of life beckon once again. And so it goes.
You may say, "This is all well and good, but how will I know when a life dimension needs to be challenged or stretched?"
You'll know if you listen to what your heart and head tell you.
You will be motivated to take a risk by any of the following symptoms: boredom, anxiety, dullness, or a desire to burst out - to grow. Or by the loss of an important relationship or life dimension.
Someone I know quite well lost his wife after a sudden illness. The pain he felt was sharp. He could have allowed it to eat him up, but instead he went on about his life as best he could. And when he met a lovely lady a year later he fell in love. He has been happily married for some time now. Was it risky for him to remarry so soon? Some outsiders may have thought so, but the need to replace his loss and create a new life for himself far outweighed any risk he may have felt. And when what you want becomes more real to you than the anxiety brought on by risk, you too, will act.
Sometimes when a person loses a career or a spouse, he or she will try to fill that void by becoming over-involved with other life dimensions. But this doesn't always work. To maintain your psychological equilibrium, you may need to replace the lost dimension or relationship with another of equal or deeper significance.
What if the thought of risk-taking makes you nervous? Nobody wants to fail and everybody's afraid to. But if you're waiting for that fear to go away, you'll wait a long, long time. Because it will never go away.
The only way to alleviate your fear is to take the risk. Just like with your bicycle. Why? Because risk-taking causes personal growth and growth is what the human experience, yours and mine, is all about.
You are in your comfort zone now, wherever and whatever that is. It is the niche you have made for yourself, and it is comfortable. But if you admit it, it's also, at times, stifling and boring. Or, as someone once said, "Ships in the harbor are safe, but that's not what ships are built for."
