Because your spouse may seem fragile during this time, you may react by trying to protect him or her. You need to be careful not to overprotect. "Don't treat him or her like an invalid or incompetent simply because he or she is out of a job," Dr. Raffaniello warns. Your spouse needs to feel needed, perhaps more than usual. This doesn't mean you should come up with a list of menial tasks for him or her to complete "because you are home anyway." Rather, don't be afraid to look to your spouse for the kind of advice you normally seek.
Don't be afraid that, by asking for counsel and opinions, you are placing too much of a burden on him or her. More than likely, your spouse will welcome the chance to feel needed. "It's okay to come home at the end of the day and say 'I really had a lousy day. Can I talk to you about it?'" Dr. Raffaniello believes. Rather than see it as a burden, your spouse may see it as a chance to help solve a problem and forget about job-search worries for a while.
He (She) Won't Let Me Help
"It's my problem to solve, not hers," one man told a family counselor. "A man is supposed to take care of his wife, not be a burden." A woman who lost her job cried when her teacher husband suggested he could postpone the summer class he planned to take and get a summer job instead.
Because your spouse is already feeling a loss of self-worth, he or she may be indignant about you assuming even more of the financial burden than you've already assumed. It may make you feel better to say, "He can't work, so I will," but it may make your spouse feel even worse.
The fact may be, though, that you do need the money. You may feel angry and frustrated that your spouse's stubborn pride is getting in the way of providing for your family. You need to find a way to help any way you can while still allowing your spouse to rebuild his or her damaged self-esteem.
Once again, the solution to the problem is to remind your spouse that you are in this situation as partners. From the beginning of his or her unemployment, you have to agree that you will both do whatever it takes to protect your family and help your spouse find a new job quickly. Rather than saying, "Hey, somebody has to be earning some money," you need to remind your spouse of your agreement to work together. "This problem belongs to both of us and we need to work together to solve it. I hope that, if it ever happens to me, you'll be creative about finding other sources of income and I'll be smart enough to let you."
When Your Spouse Isn't Looking Hard Enough
"Greg really had a hard time getting started with his job search after he was fired," Martha remembers. "It was as if he didn't know where to begin. I'd come home at the end of the day and he would have spent the whole day straightening out the drawers in his office or transplanting houseplants. He never seemed to accomplish anything. I wasn't sure how to pressure him to do anything. I was afraid if I said anything he'd get angry and defensive. In the meantime, all I did was worry. If he didn't get started soon, he'd never have a job before his severance pay ran out."
The days are slipping by, your spouse's severance pay is running out, and he or she is still trying to decide on the perfect resume style. One of two factors may be operating here: Either your spouse is too devastated by his or her situation to be able to get started, or he or she may just be a procrastinator at heart. For some people, both factors may contribute to an inability to get started or to keep looking when the signs seem discouraging. Between the two of you, you need to come to terms on how the job search will proceed. You need to start with some realistic ideas of both your expectations.
