Dr. Marlene Schmidt is a child psychiatrist. "Children at different ages will react differently to one parent's loss of a job," Dr. Schmidt explains. "It will be helpful to understand how children at different ages may react so you can talk with them in a way that they will understand."
Infants through Age 2 or 3: Infants and very young children (through age 2 or 3) likely do not need to be told anything at all. Rather, the most important thing to remember in dealing with young children during a time of family stress is that you as a parent may be more easily frustrated and less patient with young children. "Especially if you have a colicky or fussy baby," Dr. Schmidt warns, "your capacity to soothe the child may be limited by the fact that you are already under a great deal of stress." In addition, if you are not used to spending a great deal of time with an infant or small child, the sudden responsibility can be daunting.
You need to be aware that your fuse may be short at times, and be careful that your child doesn't suffer as a result. If you aren't used to it and feel increasingly frustrated with the stress of caring for a very small child, you need to ask for help from friends or family members. "Plan times for the child to spend time away from you," Dr, Schmidt advises. Friends, family, or neighbors can help by babysitting in their homes for a few hours every other day or so. Not only will this help reduce the stress level on you and your child, it will also give you time to concentrate on your job search efforts.
Preschool-Age Children : Preschool-age children (ages 3 through 5) understand more about what is going on within the family and may ask more questions about mom or dad being home when he or she is not supposed to be. "The important thing to remember with children in this age group," Dr. Schmidt explains, "is that they can tend to think in magical terms. If something bad happens to the family, they think they somehow caused it to happen."
You need to demystify the situation for children in this age group. Explain what has happened in simple, concrete terms that they can understand. Be sure you emphasize the fact that the problem happened, that they did not cause it in any way, and that mom and dad are responsible for fixing it and will take care of it. A child at this age needs to understand that something has changed, that mom and dad may seem upset from time to time, but that it is not because of something the child did.
Children at this age can also be very sensitive to changes in the status of their primary caregiver. If a 3- or 4-year-old is used to being home with mom every day, but now mom must find a job to help financially, the child can react with anger and withdrawal. "If this happens," Dr. Schmidt advises, "don't blame yourself. Your child can adjust to the situation over time."
Ages 5 through 9: At this age, children are more resilient and adaptable. They learn about rules and games and are better able to understand more complex thoughts, and to articulate their own thoughts and feelings. Although you may want to protect young children from the reality of the situation, you should be aware that children are very perceptive at many levels. They will sense and be aware that something is wrong, even if you don't tell them.
One family with a 7-year-old boy decided not to burden the child with the news that his father had been fired. Instead, they explained that "daddy will be working at home for a while." As several months passed and his father was still unemployed, the stress level within the family rose. Both parents worried and argued more than usual. Because they never explained to their son exactly what was going on, he created reasons in his mind to explain his parents' arguments. When asked by a school psychologist about what was happening at home, the boy told her he was sure his father was dying of cancer.
This story illustrates the fact that children at this age will know that something is wrong. If you are not honest with them, they will create explanations of their own that can cause them more stress than the real reasons for the family's current problems. In addition, if you are not honest with your children, you may be teaching them not to come to vow when they have problems.
Again, you need to find a simple way to explain the situation to children in this age group. "Children in this age group tend to learn better through metaphors," Dr. Schmidt explains. You can explain to them that mom's or dad's job loss was something like a game of musical chairs or a car that ran out of gas. Put it in simple terms that they can understand, but don't try to hide the situation from them altogether.
Preadolescent and Adolescent Children : Children between the ages of 12 and 18 are better able to understand the problems associated with the loss of a job. In addition, they also look to the future more and will personally feel the financial risks involved. Because clothes and other status symbols can be very important to teenaged children, the loss of income can create a great deal of anxiety for them.
You need to be very clear with teenagers. If your job loss will have a significant impact on their lives, they need to understand the situation and its impact. If your college-bound daughter is not already looking at less expensive local public colleges, you must discuss the future with her as soon as possible. Be as straight forward as possible in explaining the situation to them.
You should also be aware that teenaged children may likely react with anger or resentment when they discover that the family's sudden financial changes will have a direct impact on them. This sudden anger, and the guilt it may elicit in you, can exacerbate an already difficult situation. As with any family crisis, you need to keep the lines of communication open. Be sure you let them talk about how they feel and how the situation affects them.
