In addition to friends and family, you may find it helpful to talk with professionals who can help you deal with the stress. Your employer may have an employee assistance program that offers free counseling services. Sometimes an objective professional can offer you a place to vent your own anger and frustration before you go home.
In the same way, if you are a member of a church or community organization, find someone there to talk with. You'll be amazed at how many times ministers or people in your community have dealt with similar family problems. Your church may sponsor a support group for unemployed individuals and their families. Find such a group and attend one or two meetings, with or without your spouse. The anxiety, frustration, and anger you are feeling right now are almost universal responses to the kind of stress you are experiencing. One of the easiest ways to defuse the emotional impact on you is to commiserate with others dealing with the same problems.
Find ways to simply blow off steam. Play a rousing game of racquetball with a colleague, plug in an aerobics tape, or scream in your car on the way home. Your spouse is not the only one who is angry and frustrated. You need to find ways to relieve your own tension.
Probably most important, no matter how difficult the situation may be at home, don't avoid your spouse. No matter how difficult it is to go home at the end of the day, you do need to be there. Developing a support network outside the home does not mean spending every evening after work out with friends, avoiding the situation at home. Remember, you are partners in solving this problem. The more you work on this problem together, the stronger your relationship can be now and when it's over.
Regrets and Anger
Everyone has regrets about career choices. Your husband turned down a job offer just before he was laid off. Your wife wanted to work for a small company because they "seemed to be more people-oriented." As the days wear on and you ride the job-search roller coaster together, you can't help remembering all the things you or your spouse should have done to avoid being in this situation. Worse yet, you may have pushed him or her to leave the company before the situation got worse and your spouse chose to stay.
How do you deal with the regrets you have now? As the anxiety and bills mount, "I told you so" may be a recurring thought. At this point, it's important for you and your spouse to focus on what you can do and not on what you should have done. In your own mind, realize that all the past career choices your spouse made are over and that you need to move forward. The worst thing you can do right now is talk about what your spouse should have done to avoid this situation.
"The important part about dealing with any stressful situation is to avoid blame," Dr. Raffaniello points out. "Even saying 'It's not your fault' still perpetuates a blaming attitude." Instead, you need to focus on what you both can do to move his or her career forward.
As bleak as your situation may seem now, when it's over you'll soon forget the 'should haves' that helped put you both where you are now. Start now to put them out of your mind. You can't change the future by dwelling on the past and you certainly can't help your spouse by reminding him or her of past decisions that, in light of your current situation, seem like huge mistakes.
