If your spouse is out of work, you know all about the emotional responses. You understand the crushing depression, the money anxieties, the concerns over what to tell family and friends. The problem is: this is really your spouse's time of need. He or she needs you to be supportive, to say that the money will last, to believe he or she will find a job soon. But who supports you? How do you deal with a situation that may be equally as unnerving for you? How do you help with the job search? And what do you do if your spouse seems to have given up on finding another job?
Clearly, one spouse's job loss can be one of the most devastating events a married couple can face. You have financial worries and you have no idea how long this will last. As this article will show, the key to dealing with the situation is to understand what your spouse is going through and to be committed to facing the situation as partners. If you can avoid placing blame, act positive, and help keep your spouse's job search on track, you will both fare better through the ordeal. The best way to support your spouse is to have a strong support structure of your own and to keep the lines of communication open. You don't have to be strong all the time; you simply have to find ways of defusing the stress while still maintaining a positive outlook that encourages your spouse's efforts.
He (She) Isn't Handling This The Way I Would
If your spouse is out of work, it might help to try to understand how he or she may be approaching the situation. Men and women can react to job loss very differently, depending on how they were raised and how each sees his or her role in the relationship. As you try to empathize with your spouse's situation, you may need to understand what he or she may be feeling.
What Makes a Man a Man
Most men were raised in a household in which the man made the money and the woman stayed home with the children. De spite years of change in how men and women see their roles, many men still believe they must be the primary provider for their families. If your husband is out of work, he is probably struggling with the fact that he is not fulfilling his responsibilities. "It's my job, not hers,'' he may be thinking. 'Tm the one who is responsible for this family."
A psychologist specializing in family therapy, Dr. Eileen Raffaniello, believes, ''Men s self image can be wrapped up in what they do to the extent that they are ashamed and even embarrassed to let anyone know they are out of work. Their ideas of what 'makes a man a man' can make it difficult for them to accept help in dealing with the situation, especially if they have defined a more traditional relationship in their own marriages."
Your husband may find it difficult to even admit to other men that he is out of work, much less talk with them about how the situation makes him feel. He'll likely try to avoid talking with friends and family altogether. One man remembered that the one person he couldn't tell about his job loss was his father. ''It took me three weeks to screw up the courage to tell him I was out of work. My dad worked for the same company for 36 years. He was the perfect breadwinner. How could I tell him that my wife was now supporting my family?"
Withdrawing from family and friends may be the easiest way for your husband to deal with the situation. However, that can place an unrealistic burden on you. If your husband reacts by withdrawing, you will need to help him stay in contact with male friends and relatives and not avoid them. He needs to understand that these people can not only provide a strong sense of support, they are also a key part of his job search network. Rather than react with shame or scorn, he'll most likely find that his family and friends understand the situation much more than he thinks. "I couldn't believe it," one man recalls, "when I finally told two of my Kiwanis buddies I was out of work, their reaction was, 'Yeah, so who hasn't been?' Everyone knows someone who's been out of work."
