Especially if your spouse was with his or her former employer for many years, you may feel a great deal of anger toward the company and his or her former managers. You may have a number of friends who still work for the company and who feel they must maintain a loyalty to their employer. Many of these friendships are not only important to you personally, they are also a key part of your spouse's network of contacts as he or she looks for a new position.
The important thing to remember right now is that you need to salvage whatever relationships you can. Because it may be difficult to socialize with people who still work for your spouse's former employer, you may want to avoid social gatherings that involve them right now. Instead, look to other friends for help and advice and avoid situations that can only add to your frustration.
"My husband and I finally decided to avoid parties and gatherings with some of his former colleagues for a while," one woman said. "We learned that it was too difficult for us to spend time with them all the while wondering if they were thinking, 'Why him and not me?'" Though her husband was still able to call on these important business contacts for assistance during his job search, he and his wife felt more comfortable keeping these relationships at a distance.
There may be some relationships that are too damaged to ever salvage. "After Mark was no longer working for the company," Jenny recalls, "the president's wife sent me a letter saying she hoped this wouldn't hurt our friendship and that she'd still like to have us out to the house sometime soon.' I haven't answered that letter yet. I had to wait until I could be rational enough to tell her what I want to say. Right now I'm just too angry."
Regardless of the reasons behind your spouse's departure, you may never be able to quite forgive his or her former employer. Be aware that you may lose a few friendships in the process but that you should work hard to at least maintain a professional relationship with people who can help with your spouse's career plans.
Listen
"I've learned to be a much better listener," Jenny believes. Like other people whose spouses have struggled with job loss, she has found that sometimes it's important just to listen rather than offer advice or try to solve her husband's problems. Being out of work may give you both a chance to talk about things you never have a chance to discuss. Your spouse may have hated his or her line of work for a long time and never talked about it with you. Or he or she may have had dreams you never knew about, such as starting a business.
If your spouse has lost a job, he or she is struggling with a grief process. Sometimes it can help for you to listen to the emotions and simply accept them. The irony of tragedy in a marriage is that it can give you a chance to open new lines of communication.
Because he was a manufacturer's representative, Jenny's husband had traveled extensively. Now that he was home more often, they actually had more time to talk with each other. "Even though I worry all the time," she confesses, "I've found a peacefulness in being able to be this close to Mark."
Be Honest About The Money
"All I could think when my husband told me about the layoff," Joan remembers, "was that we were going to lose the house. I had never dealt with any of the financial details. All I knew was that the bank had approved the loan on the basis of both our incomes. I had no idea how we could make it," In her mind, this woman had created a scenario that was actually much worse than reality.
In most marriages, one person handles most of the financial details. This works well as long as things go according to plan. When one of you is out of work, your financial picture changes drastically. Many couples who have experienced unemployment quickly learn that information about finances can be crucial to both the person who has lost a job and to his or her spouse.
If you are out of work and your husband always handles the finances, make sure you look at the budget together. Your wife may have always paid the bills because you hate dealing with financial details. Your current situation makes it important for both of you to clearly understand your financial picture.
We must create a simple process for developing a family budget to deal with this emergency. The most important part of the process for married couples is to do it together. During times of extreme financial stress, information can be your most important asset. If you both understand your financial picture and both agree on what you can and cannot do without, you can help avoid arguments down the road. You may have to readjust the plan as you go along, but the important thing is to make these decisions together to avoid unnecessary friction.
"Once he showed me the whole picture," Joan recalls, "I was relieved. I even felt a little foolish that until that time I had absolutely no idea how much we actually had in savings. Just knowing the true picture helped me sleep better."
