In her opinion, most people don't trust their gut enough. They look to others to hand them ready made answers which seldom (if ever) work. Until you learn to heed the signal from your own heart, it doesn't matter what others want and think you should do.
A compelling description of this process comes from journalist Ari L. Goldman in his spiritual autobiography. The Search for God at Harvard (1991, New York: Times Books). Goldman has two seemingly incompatible passions. As an Orthodox Jew, he's Sabbath observant (which means that he doesn't work on Saturdays). But journalism is his calling and journalism is a 7 day a week pursuit.
He used to lay awake nights trying to figure out how to accommodate both passions. He lived with that tension for years, never knowing how (or if) it would all turn out. He credits his mother with giving him the courage to pursue his dual loves. "I have confidence in you," she'd say. "Things will work out because you'll make them work out."
She was right. Ari Goldman managed to become the first practicing Orthodox Jew ever hired by the New York Times. But don't mistake this for a fairy tale in which the hero lives happily ever after. Goldman constantly struggles to harmonize the two often disparate worlds. He also must contend with an array of criticisms, many of which come from fellow Orthodox Jews who believe his faith is too lax-that he makes too many compromises with the secular world.
Career counselor Peggy Simonsen, president of Career Directions in Rolling Meadows, Illinois, tells a fable about what happens to people who listen too much to others' dictates. Two men were taking an ass to market for sale. Since they had many miles to travel, they took turns riding on the animal's back. First, one man would ride while the other walked. Then, they'd reverse roles.
Halfway through the journey, they stopped for a drink. As they rested, an old friend passed by and stopped to visit. "Look at that poor animal," the friend said. "It's totally worn out. While you two ride in luxury, that poor creature is getting heat exhaustion."
The men agreed. The animal did look tired. Refreshed from their break, they decided to walk the rest of the way. For the next few miles, they trudged down the long, dusty road. Soon, they bumped into a local merchant who was also bringing his wares to market. The merchant eyed the ass skeptically. "If you want to get any money for that animal at all," he said, "you'd better carry it the rest of the way. Otherwise, it won't be worth a plugged nickel."
The two men were tired, but the merchant did seem to have a point. So they scrounged around in the woods for tree branches that'd be sturdy enough to support the animal's weight. They tied its hoofs to the makeshift poles and hoisted the upside down animal gingerly onto their shoulders, trying to distribute the weight evenly.
Trudging ever more wearily along, they arrived at a bridge stretched across some whirling rapids: the last leg of the journey. As they negotiated the steep incline, one of the men suddenly tripped on a small stone and toppled sideways. He lurched against the railing, taking the polls-as an all-with him. Unable to stop the momentum, the other man also lost his balance. Helplessly, they watched the ass collapse into the water and drown.
When I heard the tale, Simonsen was speaking to a packed house of college students who were waiting expectantly for her conclusion.
"What do you think is the moral of the story?" she asked. Silence, except for a few uncomfortable giggles. "Listen to everyone's advice and you will surely lose your ass.
Had Ari Goldman caved into the pressure from religious leaders or other journalists, he might have made unnecessary sacrifices. Instead, he went through a painful process of spiritual growth and separation. He learned to seek his own counsel in matters of faith and, when necessary, to stand up for his convictions without turning his back on the communities he cared about.
Yet the only thing that Goldman wanted and needed that was so difficult for his employers to grant was Saturdays off.
Start on the Right Foot
Then, once you've agreed on a schedule, you won't have to justify your actions every time you leave at 5 p.m. or don't come in on the weekends. Even if you can't get much schedule flexibility, you can still set realistic limits to your workday. As Emerson said: "If you can't be free, be as free as you can."
FBI Director Louis Freeh had the good sense to negotiate some free time into the terms of his employment agreement. Freeh at first declined the $133,600 a year job, citing disruption to his family life as his primary concern. When his wife prevailed on him to reconsider, he said he'd take the job under one condition: He promised to work diligently for the FBI, but he also planned to reserve quality time for his wife and two sons.
The White House agreed and the appointment moved forward. But it's unlikely that Bill Clinton anticipated just how seriously his FBI director took his commitment to his family. Late one Friday, Freeh was notified quite suddenly that he was expected at a Saturday morning White House meeting. Sorry, he replied. Unless it was a national emergency, his Saturday morning was already booked. He'd promised his sons that he'd attend their basketball game, and he intended to keep his word.
Of course, you aren't Louie Freeh. But you can learn an important lesson from his modus operandi:
- Be very clear about your needs and priorities.
- Be very, very good at what you do.
- Make sure your employer knows just how good you are.
- Insist that your employer meets your needs. Most people don't change their lives all at once. It's an incremental process that takes constant self evaluation, careful goal setting and self directed action. You must persist in the face of obstacles and criticism. But it's not an impossible dream. And it can be well worth the effort.
Life on the Slow Track
A new breed of career trend setters are making life in the slow lane look mighty good. In Downshifting (New York: Harper/ Perennial), business journalist Amy Saltzman identifies five different models you can use to get more control over your work and life:
- Backtrackers arrange for their own demotions so they can have more time and less stress.
- Plateaus intentionally stay in place. They turn down promotions because they don't want the increased pressures of more responsibility.
- Career shifters transfer their skills to less stressful fields.
- Self employers go solo to have more control over their work hours and location.
- Urban escapees opt for more hospitable, relaxing environments in the country, small towns or the great outdoors.
